For me. . . this is what anxiety looks like. Now granted this isn’t all the time. Every day is different. After months of compiling things that I do through with my anxiety, I’m here to show you a little bit of what it’s like. Although I didn’t capture every moment (b/c in the midst of a panic attack the last thing that comes to mind is ‘take a pic for your article). So I did my best with what I could. Anxiety is different for every individual, no two cases are the same. That being said here’s my story.
It’s a natural reflex. Clenching my fists so hard my fingers go numb, I lose feeling in my hands. I don’t even realize half the time. It happens while I’m driving, out to dinner, hanging out with family or friends, even just laying in bed.
I clench my fists some much and so hard until I end up with blood in my hand from my nails breaking my sking
This happens to me daily. Whenever I’m uncomfortable, anxious, worried, scared, or angry. I start itching. I don’t notice it until my chest is raw, or I look in the mirror and see what I’m doing to myself and then have to go sit on my hands so I stop. . . because most likely I won’t. I’ve had people tell me to stop. I don’t think about it, I don’t want to do it, it literally just happens.
Ripping all the skin off your lips until they bleed. Or gnawing at the inside of your cheek until it’s raw and bleeding. It goes without notice until your mind settles down and you actual feel a little more human, and then you realize what your anxiety has done to you.
Don’t forget your daily dose of medicine to keep you a normal functioning human being. Having a medicine cabinet that looks like you have every medical condition in the book at the age of 19, because you’ve literally tried EVERYTHING! After months and months of getting sick from medication, taking way more than prescribed to feel normal, going from doctor to therapist to psychiatrist to find at least one medication that would work. Here I am almost a year later, and I’m still not sure if they are working. Oh and never run out, because you’ll end up in the hospital. Been there done that.
Not Pictured:
Constantly shaking.
From taking a photo to holding something up to show someone. There is no hiding the uncontrollable shaking that you can’t stop. I constantly think about this, when hugging someone or shake their hand. ‘can they feel me shaking?’ It’s embarrassing, to say the least.
Not eating.
Being so anxious that you physically can’t eat. Nothing ever sounds good. Why would I eat if I’m not hungry? Why would I eat if I know I’m going to throw it up? Even though I haven’t eaten anything in 24 hours.
Throwing up.
Not because I’m sick because I’m so anxious that my stomach is on its own roller coaster ride and it won’t seem to stop. This has happened to me in public more times than I can count.
Uncontrollable sobbing.
Hyperventilating, muscles cramping up, passing out. No, I can’t ‘just stop’... If I could I would. Why would anyone want that? Whether there is a reason for it or not, I just have to ride it out. Toss me my emergency meds and just hold me. Trust me, it won’t be pretty.
Night sweats.
Waking up dripping in sweat sometimes because of a dream, most of the time from having a bad day and reliving it all again while you’re sleeping.
Bad memory.
I don’t remember a lot of the good times, I have to be honest. I will most likely forget everything that you told me in a day or two. But I sure as hell remember that time two years ago when I embarrassed myself, and now I’m going to stress about it all night, and wonder if anyone else remembers it.
Among many other things anxiety is a wet blanket, it holds you down and doesn’t allow you to be your true self. It is a day to day battle of not letting it get the best of you. Sometimes, well, a lot of the times, it does. You just have to ride it out and know that you’re going to get through this.
This isn’t me looking for attention, this isn’t a cry for help (don’t worry I already have a therapist). This is simply to spread knowledge that anxiety is awful. It shows itself in many different forms, some of which go unnoticed by so many. If you know someone who is hurting or suffering from anxiety or depression. Reach out to them. A simple ‘I’m thinking of you', and 'I’m here for you’ text can do much more than you know.
