Feelings can last an eternity. To some, they hurt, and to others, they provide newfound strength. Sure, I have had a million crushes on irrelevant boys, sorry .. but I've only really felt true feelings for a small number of people in my life. This isn't exactly a choice - for me, it is very difficult to let people in.
Growing up with severe anxiety alters who I am and what I'm capable of doing. In the United States, anxiety takes over roughly 40 percent of adults and 10 percent of children. Anxiety and Psychological disorders take a negative toll on people's lives and affect how we interact.
Anxiety shapes people's lives and can make your brain cognitively give you unhealthy symptoms. Often my mind contains words I wish I said, actions I wish I didn't make and some I wish I did. I don't live in regret with anything I've done except for not speaking up and truly expressing myself. I never realize how much I could've said to people until after the fact. I sit amongst myself and often say " wow your an idiot, why didn't you say that". I ponder upon many different scenarios and possible outcomes in my head until I justify what I think is in my best interest within that moment. You never realize what you had until it's gone and for a person like me, all you think about is what you could've done differently to have a different outcome.
My identity is composed of how I've dealt with experiences throughout my life, my personality if you break my shell is bubbly, outgoing, and as harmless as a feather.
For those that are incapable of entering my life, well you're dealing with a temporary shy resting bitch face. It's not my fault its due to my friend, anxiety. Growing up with anxiety, all of these stressful minimums ultimately became high maximums. What I mean by that is shutting off your phone after sending a text, deleting Snapchat until hours later, turning on do not disturb when anticipating an unwanted response.
If you don't have anxiety it's hard to understand how much pressure, there is when you hit the send button. Sure, people freak out about sending risqué texts, but for people like me, it's life-changing, trying to avoid a panic attack due to expressing my own feelings.
When I do speak how I feel, or even just playing out scenarios in my head its immediate pessimism, I expect the worst possible outcome there can be. Even if I get a positive response or something good happens, I instantaneously second guess what happened and overthink everything. Often, I choose not to speak how I feel and float with whatever happens just to spare myself anxiety.
Letting people in usually takes time, for me, it takes an eternity. My friends know me for who I am, some more so than others. My self worth is compromised from many different angles. Every person I meet has a different opinion of me besides those that I'm close to due to my capability of showing my full personality. Sometimes I wonder if my person is out there if I've met them yet, if I'll reconnect with a person from my past, or if my life is a completely open book.
One thing in life I do rely on is if it's meant to be it will be and that everything happens for a reason. If someone walks out of my life, right away I think to myself "There I go again, fucking up," or "What Did I do wrong?"
Anxiety, in other words, is unnecessary apologizing, self-doubt, hyper-awareness, and a constant state of worry. All of these things can break a person down and completely alter them
