Most days I’m fine. Some day I find myself having a pleasant conversation with a colleague and suddenly I’m looking over their shoulder at the doorway praying I find a way to leave the room before I drown. There's a sudden shock as adrenaline shoots through my veins, static buzzing in my fingers and everything around me seems clearer. I become very aware of every detail of the room and every person in it. I root myself to the floor, will myself to look them in the eyes, to be present in this conversation and I wonder if they notice? Notice the way I suddenly go rigid and my eyes flick around the room.
I just want to be here. In this moment.
This can be particularly hard for people like me who have some degree of anxiety. It's like things that aren't a problem suddenly seem like an urgent one. Social interaction isn't as simple as it should be because your traitorous brain keeps pointing out the weird way you speak or how awkward you are.
And the worst part is you know you're probably a normal person. You're probably likeable, even, but your brain won't accept that. It shoots out hormones (those fight or flight chemicals) and you're left having an internal struggle just because you're making small talk.
Don't even get me started on managing your daily life. Any moment I get to myself, I am reminded about all the assignments I have to do and household chores waiting for me courtesy of my brain. Thanks, brain you never fail to set me on edge.
It's not all terrible. Recently, I've found methods of bringing some peace to my over excited mind. Here are some things that work for me.
- Writing things down. If I write things on paper they become more quantifiable and easier to break up into manageable pieces. Just writing it downs gets them out of my head and somewhere where I know I won't forget them.
- Plan ahead. I have a planner that I carry around with me with a to do list. It helps to list them by order of importance so that if you don't get to all of them at least you did the ones that were urgent. When I'm at home I tend not to go into my bag for my planner. So I've come up with a different strategy. I've created a vision board with to do lists and encouragements. This way I'm reminded of things that need to get done anytime I walk past my board.
- Talk to someone. This can be utterly distressful. If you're anything like me talking about yourself is cringe worthy. However, sometimes you just need to talk just to get those doubts and thoughts out of your brain. I find that when I say them out loud it's easier for me to come up with a solution or debunk my worries. So give it a shot, find someone you trust and who knows you and take the chance.
- Find a way to love and embrace yourself. You are who you are. Unless you're an uncompassionate hated filled troll chances are you're okay (maybe better than okay). Cool, even, but if you refuse to see the good in yourself than no matter how much people like you they'll never be able to get through to you. Self-acceptance by no means is an easy task but it starts by simply allowing yourself to believe that people like you for who you are. Seriously, people don't have time to talk to everyone so if they choose to interact with you it's because they want to.
Some days you can't manage social interactions and that's okay. No one expects you to be "on" 24/7. It might come naturally to others but no one expects everyone to be a social butterfly 100% of the time. Most importantly, we are all busy so it's not like people are waiting around for the next conversation.
So, when you find yourself panicking just excuse yourself and leave the situation. There's no shame in it. It's better to give someone your full attention than make them feel like you aren't listening.
