My anxiety disorder scatters my brain.

It makes me feel like I'm a tourist in a foreign city that I know nothing of.

I want you to know that when I walk very close to you, arms touching, that I am too frightened to stray from you. In that moment, I am afraid of many things, too many to name. I want you to know that when I am not making eye contact with you, it is not because I don't value your words, it is because of the lack of confidence in mine. When I ask you to stand with me, to wait for me, it's because I feel everyone's eyes, even if they're not on me. When I tell you I'm scared, it's not a small thing, it's sweaty palms, it's seconds from crying, minutes from breaking. When I ask you to order my food, when I nervously point to what I want on the menu, it's because I'm afraid of stumbling. I'm afraid of being judged more than I already feel I am. I'm afraid of asking for things. I will go days without something I need if it means I don't have to face the possibility of rejection. When you ask me why I'm holding my bag, It's because I need something to keep my hands busy or they will shake, and you will judge me more. Remember that these things are happening in my mind, but that does not make it any less real to me.

And please, don't try to fix me. Truth is, I'm not your mess to clean up. But when I do fall, be there to catch me. Know that when I try to push you away, I don't mean to. Know that I am writing this with shaking hands. Know that sometimes I need you.