As many people know me at Defiance College, I am a person who seems extremely organized (except my room) when it comes to almost anything that I do. I am a perfectionist like most people, and want everything to go my way. I have a planner that I write everything down in, and I am constantly thinking about something. Staying busy is what calms me. This might sound like some of you reading this, but having an anxiety disorder is so much more than being stressed all the time.
I am constantly battling internally with myself about issues that ordinarily I cannot control. This is how my mind works, the constant over-thinking about anything and everything claims every conscious thought I have. But this is how I can continue to go through my day. I can never just think about nothing, and just the thought of that can stress me out. My work ethic has always been strong, and in high school I always competed to be the best at everything I did whether it was grades, sports, clubs, etc. College taught me that just being my best was enough, and there are so many opportunities. One must just take advantage of them.
I have never been the type of person who would be considered confident. Nothing was ever perfect, but I would do everything in my power to be the best I could be. I was nervous to do anything that could potentially affect my future. Unfortunately, we live in a world that is full of hate. It is not entirely our fault; it is something that we have normalized. Society is constantly judging all of those around us. People that were seen as “normal” would gawk at those who didn’t seem to fit that mold.
Coming to college was hard because it was a change in scenery, schooling, peers, food, and living. Excited and nervous, I began a new chapter of my life. I had a fresh start, and no one knew about my anxiety that I had in my past. New school, new me I thought. I have become a people pleaser, and I want everyone to be happy. I have finally accepted that it is an unachievable goal and have changed my attitude 180 degrees because being happy is something that I have found to be valuable.
Having anxiety is much worse than being stressed out about every little detail throughout my daily life. It has also become a way of functioning, and this can also lead to panic attacks. I have had several panics in my lifetime that have stopped me from living the life I want. I cannot play several sports because sometimes my asthma triggers a panic attack. Along with sports, I also have a guilty conscious, and whenever I feel morally wrong, it can lead into an attack. The third, and probably most common way for an attack to occur, is when I am fearful. It might be over something small, like going to the dentist, but I am terrified of something awful happening. Don’t let a mental disorder destroy you.
Panic attacks are different for everyone. Mine are strange because my whole body except my head paralyzes itself, usually for an hour or so. My hands tend to freeze in a claw like position, (yes others have made me laugh calling me crab hands) and I shake. If my friends are present during this experience, they usually help by making me laugh, or just being there. This is not a pleasurable experience by any means, but I have finally recognized some of my triggers. Don’t let a mental disorder define you.
I am a person who does not like others knowing about all of the difficulties I have to face, but I think that sharing them can help others realize that there is a light at the end of a tunnel. Having anxiety does not make anyone less of a person; it is something that will limit you, that is for sure, but it can only make one stronger. Having anxiety has made me who I am today, and I have gone on living an amazing life thus far. I have become more “Chill/laid back” since college, and I have surrounded myself with extraordinary family and friends that are a beyond amazing support group. Most of my friends have no idea that I have anxiety, or to what extent I do have it. They do not have to know to help you through it, just being there for one another is enough and can really make a difference.Let a mental disorder strengthen you!
Self-care is one of the most important lessons I have learned. Someone who does not take care of themselves cannot take care of others. It is important to enjoy life and not dwell on the events one cannot control. For me, self-care is hanging out with family/friends, painting, taking pictures, cuddling, volunteering, or traveling to a new place. Not everyone believes in a higher power, but as a Christian I have learned to “LET GO AND LET GOD”, or you can find something else that pertains to you. Faith is one aspect that I have let guide me through life. Because I have let my anxiety strengthen me, I have been successful thus far in my college career. I will continue to follow my dream of traveling the world, and becoming the best Social Worker that I know I have the potential to be! Never give up, and remember, happiness is a choice!
