Anxiety.
No one understands it, unless you go through it personally. And if you do, it's nearly impossible to find the words to describe how it feels.
Everyone experiences it differently. And it's not until I learned more about it that I realized I too deal with anxiety. Anxiety is considered a disorder and there are about 6 different types. Mine being panic attacks which I feel is the worst of them all. Here's how it all started ..
I can still remember it all perfectly in my head February 18th 2016. Started my day off like any other Thursday, woke up at 6 am to get ready for school and my shift at work right after from 3-11 pm. During school that day, I kept constantly complaining about pain my chest and the only way I could describe it is as if someone was putting pressure on my chest. I kept brushing it off because it would leave and come back throughout the day. But I made it to work not feeling my best and being placed to work on a side I wasn't accustomed to wasn't helping. I remember telling myself to breath and relax I was going to be fine. The next thing I know, I'm in the middle of helping a resident and I couldn't bear the feeling in the chest. I made my way to my supervisor with tears in my eyes just pointing to my chest. They tried to calm me down and check my blood pressure, pulse, everything looked fine but I didn't feel fine at all. I was having trouble breathing, and that was the first time my heart was beating so fast and hard it's like I could literally hear it. It was just freaking me out even more.
I went to the hospital that night, I told the doctors everything that happened. And they did everything they could to check me and the conclusion was all I was having was just chest pains. My heart was good, my blood work came back good, they had no reason to keep me there. They sent me home with some medication and told me for the next three days I have to be on rest. And those were the longest three days ever. My mom was up my butt making sure I took my pill and ate throughout the day and that I didn't do too much of anything. I spent my first night doing my makeup for absolutely no reason because I wasn't going anywhere. It sucked, but once my long weekend was over I followed up with my doctor and she said I was fine and she began asking if I have a lot on my plate. At first I didn't think so but as I started naming things I realized I did. From school and dealing with applying to colleges and finishing up my senior year strong to work and still being involved in my church. It was a lot. Her answer to my solution was therapy (which I never ended up doing). And from her was the first time I heard that maybe it was anxiety.
I just tried to take it easy for that point on. "Maybe that would stop these chest pains from happening" I told myself. And I was so wrong about that. These episodes kept occurring and not just in my home but at school and work as well. And to not have anyone worry I just wouldn't tell them. "I'm okay" is what I would tell everyone. Keeping it all in just made things harder.
One day I was home alone after school just washing dishes, nothing too crazy about that right? Wrong. I began to feel the pains in my chest returning and in the middle of my panic attack all I could was cry. And boy did I cry right there in the kitchen when I thought I was alone. It was the worst it's ever been. Up until that moment I felt like I was facing all of that by myself because I wasn't telling anyone. But what I soon realized was I was never alone. I may have been alone physically but spiritually God was there.
During that moment in my kitchen I finally knew why I was having these panic attacks. The minutes leading up to these episodes is me overwhelming myself with everything that was going on. I had it all bottled up in my mind. And as I've said before your mind can be your worst enemy.
God has allowed me to go through panic attacks as a way of Him telling me "It's time to let go of everything and TALK TO ME". Let me explain something to you, when I'm in the presence of God there is no other thing than I can do but to let it consume me and be wrapped in His presence. I cry, sometimes I scream, but most importantly I talk to Him. And it is truly one of the most beautiful experiences someone can have. You can't put it into words you just felt it throughout your entire body. And everyone experiences it differently. God placed that image in my head. Showing me that this panic attack is no different. He is literally pouring out His presence in the middle of my attack when I need Him the most. Just giving me the chance to cry and talk about everything that's going on and most importantly give Him that one on one time for Him to speak to me. "The quieter you become the more you can hear."
And now I am more than grateful for these episodes. Because every time it comes around it's like God is saying "Knock knock it's time for us to talk".
God will find any way to get your attention when He needs to speak to you. Whether it may be waking you up in the middle of the night to pray or keeping you up and even speaking to you through others. He will find a way. Mine happens to be through my anxiety. I may not of known it at first but I do now. Who would of thought something I thought would ruin me become a blessing. That is just how God works. He brings light to all the negative going on in your life.
It's time for you to look for the positive in all the negative. God's hand is there. Are you looking for it?
