As I sit here and write this, I have stop and think. I have to conjure up the right words, to put it all into perspective. The inner demons of anxiety and depression are not easy to describe, especially to those who don’t know. I ask that you, whoever this may be reading this, to bear with me. Words are hard to find when explaining them, because they are very complex.
Anxiety and Depression are like fire and gasoline, to say the least. It always seems to be that one will fuel the other. When you’re depressed, you feel stuck in a hole; while anxiety is there reminding you of everything you have to do, sending your mind into a whirlwind. When you’re anxious your mind is running in circles with no end in sight; while depression is there making it seem like it’s not worth fighting. The two go hand in hand, both bringing so much destruction to the table. Anxiety and Depression use your body as a battlefield; fighting with one another for one thing. You.
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Let me break it down for those who don’t know anxiety. Many think that anxiety is worrying about everything and then ultimately losing it. However, it is so much more than that. Anxiety is lying awake in your bed until 3 am, tossing and turning over money. Anxiety is walking to class, feeling like you’re about to go on a roller coaster. Anxiety is locking your door at night just feel some sort of safety, knowing well you can’t hide from it. Anxiety is feeling your blood running through your veins, and your heart beating in your stomach. Anxiety is being woken up at 4:31 in the morning feeling like you’re going to have a heart attack, but realizing it’s a panic attack. Anxiety is having a screaming match with your dad, over nothing more than a thought of no control. Anxiety is a demon that hides in the shadows of your mind, but attacks when you least expect it. It’s watching the news and being on edge for the next week and a half. Anxiety is so much more than just sitting and worrying.
Now, let’s give depression a time in the spotlight. Many think depression is lying in your bed crying and wanting to die. However, it is far from that. Depression is coming home from a night full of laughter, only to find yourself feeling no ounce of joy. Depression is sitting in your towel, staring at your brown eyes, feeling numb. It’s feeling how your tears fall from your eyes, and wanting to drown in them. Depression is walking around with a smile to flash at someone, but not being able to do the same in the mirror. Depression is feeling your heart beat to keep you alive when all you want to do is make it stop. It’s lying in bed feeling numb, yet feeling a wave of unhappiness wash over you like an ocean wave. Depression is watching yourself crumble like dirt. It’s running in the dark, trying so hard to find the light. Depression is not wanting to move, because you’re afraid you’ll break. It’s not getting out of bed because you are chained to the murderous fiend that is depression. Depression is so much more than feeling sad.
Depression and Anxiety is feeling so nothing and everything at once. It’s not wanting to do anything, yet worrying about it getting done. It’s lying in bed wanting it to end, but worried about anyone finding out you’re struggling. It’s sitting in the shower not being able to breathe from the tears, and then being afraid of dying in the shower from it. It’s doing anything to feel something, yet worrying about feeling too much. It’s feeling like you can’t get help because the two things fight your mind. It’s not caring how things end up, yet wanting to control everything and panicking when you can’t. The two are a cocktail full of poison, killing the drinker slowly. Every day is a battle for your body, and every day you feeling letting it win
Every day you get stronger and more resilient, which is hard to do. It’s not easy to fight these demons in your head, it is tiring. Living with them is a fight for your joy and sanity. You can’t let it win, but some days its just easier to let it. Society has come to make it seem like it’s wrong to fight a battle like this. It’s not. It’s okay to have a bad day here and there, but you can’t get stuck there. There nothing wrong with having these struggles, it's what makes us who we are. Human.
