It was mid-morning and my friends and I decided to get a late breakfast in the school's dining hall before studying for our finals. Out of nowhere, and overwhelming nausea came over me and I was frozen. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I could hardly open my mouth to take a sip of water. I felt as if I wasn't in control of my body.
I waited thinking it would pass after a few minutes... But it kept getting worse. Since I wasn't capable of opening my mouth to speak, I texted my friends who sat across from me that I was indeed having an anxiety attack. Asking what they could do for help, I simply requested that they just stay with me until it passed. That anxiety attack took two hours to pass.
Anxiety is a silent and invisible battle many suffer from. It can't be seen. It's something one deals with on the inside. It's hard to explain, actually it's really just in-explainable for most. Some have anxiety for no reason at all. That was the case for me for many years of my adolescence.
In my freshman year of high school, I started having these random episodes of anxiety. It could come in the middle of class, while I was driving, out with friends, at work, anywhere... And 99% of the time, there were no triggers. I was soon put on medicine to control the hormones and lessen my anxiety, but that actually made things worse for me in other aspects of my life.
After making the decision that going off of the medicine would be better for me, the anxiety attacks came back worse than ever before. The first one having been the one in the middle of the dining hall. I was 20. Sometimes I would need to leave class early, I'd have to leave parties before the fun even started, and sometimes they were so bad it physically impaired me from even leaving wherever I was. I couldn't drink alcohol because that was something I knew triggered it which led to more anxiety when I got to the age where I started to be pressured to drink.
Many would ask me how they could help or the most common question, "Why are you having anxiety?" When all I could say was "I don't know," it was hard for many to understand. Some joked about it, calling me a baby, anti-social, or a hypochondriac. But - I knew just as much as they did, I didn't know why these were happening nor did I want them to happen.
A few years after stopping the medicine, I found ways to cope with my anxiety and ways to eliminate it entirely. I started meditating, eating healthier, exercising even more than I already did, and learning to be at peace with the person I was made to be. I learned breathing techniques and I started to recognize when a panic attack was coming on so I'd learn how to talk myself out of it. Interestingly enough, the simple task of french braiding my hair would help an anxiety attack diminish.
It took a long time for me to find what worked for me and today and I'm happy to say I can't even remember the last time I had an anxiety attack. But for many, that's not the case.
Some may never find solutions that work for them. Anxiety is something that can't be controlled. So for those who suffer from anxiety - know you're not alone. For those who don't, understand that it is a battle many face and can't talk about. We understand that you don't understand. We get that it's hard for you to comprehend what we are saying since we don't get it either. We don't want to push anyone away and we don't want to feel anti-social or boring. We just want you to accept it.
