I'm one of those sick people who truly gets adrenaline rushes from debates. I'll intentionally say something controversial while around family or friends just to spark up a heated discussion to get my fix. That being said, I've noticed in recent years that I also tend to shy away from certain topics. One of those topics being the issue of gun control. I, being one of those SJWs and a screaming liberal, fall into the "anti-gun" camp, and I tend to keep that to myself if I'm around a passionate group of "pro-gunners." As strongly as I feel about it, I also don't like to start that debate because people get very, very passionate about their firearms. Like, very, very, passionate. It makes me uncomfortable. So, to divert from the topic, I always say the following, "I"m anti-gun because I'm pro-sword," And then I laugh and launch into how swords are kick ass. I've been using that line for years because I think it's funny and pretty much everyone who hears it has to agree that swords are cool because, let's be honest, they are cool.

But after a while it sort of made sense. I am anti-gun because I'm pro-sword. Swords are the better, safer, more badass weapon to have. Of course, I truly think that everyone should just grow up and stop murdering/fighting/robbing/hurting each other and that all weapons should be thrown into a sinful pit of fire... But I'm also a realist, and I know that the human race is awful and that world peace and pacficism will never happen. So anyway, in the meantime, let's make it interesting and switch to swords. Here's why:

1. Swords Are Cooler

Swords are the cooler weapon. Guns are bulky, loud and ugly while swords are slim, silent and sexy. If swords weren't the objectively cooler weapon they wouldn't be as romanticized in the media as they currently are. Think about it: guns are common, both in real life and in movies, so much so that no one really cares about them unless they're really tricked out. Every merc with an attitude carries a gun in the movies, but only the coolest, most awesome characters get a sword. In fact, when a character's signature weapon is a sword you know that character is a badass. This is intentional, and it's so common for writers to give strong, lead characters a melee weapon that it has it's own TV trope. There's tons of examples of this: The Bride from "Kill Bill" relies on a kick ass katana, Xena from "Xena: Warrior Princess" carries around an awesome sword, and then of course there's my boy, Deadpool, who's signature weapons are dual katana blades. The lists go on and on. So while anyone with hands gets a gun on the silver screen, only the coolest, the bravest, and the awesomest get swords.

2. Sword Fights Are Safer (And Cooler)

You know what doesn't happen in a sword fight? Innocent people don't die. The only people who die are the people involved in the sword fight. A sword artist (A swordist?) has complete control over their weapon, and can make it so that the person they're after, and only that person, is affected by their sword. I would much rather be an area where two guys are just going at it with katanas then in an area where two guys are open firing automatic weapons. When fighting with a sword you don't have to worry about stray bullets firing off into a crowd of innocents, because there are no bullets! There's just you, the other guy, and two sharp swords. No misfires, no civilian casualties, just pure, awesome, sword fighting. Which brings me to the next point: Sword fights are cooler than gun fights. This goes along with the above argument that swords are just genuinely cooler, but a sword fight is much more involved and intricate than a point-and-shoot fight. Fighting with a sword requires patience, skill, agility, and strength. A sword fight is basically a majestic and violent ballet whereas a gun fight is just a loud and messy free for all.

3. Swords Don't Require Ammo

When fighting with a sword you can go forever as long as your body allows it. When a gun runs out of ammo it becomes no more than a glorified paper weight. Swords, however, never need ammo, never need to be reloaded, and never jam. Once you have the sword, you're all set to murder without any bumps or hiccups at all! Not to mention how much money one can save if they have everything they need for a good ol' fight to the death with just one slick weapon. When you purchase a gun you gotta maintain it and keep buying ammo just to use it. But a sword? That's a once and done purchase. Plus, you don't have to worry about that ammo ending up somewhere it doesn't belong, like in an innocent person, and that's always cool.

4. Sword-Warfare Would Be Cheaper

Do you know how much a war costs? A lot. The War on Terror has an estimated grand total of over 1.7 trillion dollars in expenses. To put that into perspective, in 2008, America spent more money every five seconds on the war in Iraq than the average American made in a year. A lot of this money goes towards the funding of sophisticated weapon research and the maintenance of said sophisticated weapons. Now, if we look at how much wars cost back when they were swinging swords, it's a drastic difference. The US Naval Academy estimates that the Hundred Years War (1337 A.D.) most likely cost a little under 700 thousand pounds, or a billion US dollars, when adjusted for inflation. That's it! And that's because no one was researching extremely deadly and expensive weapons or spending billions of dollars maintaining them. They were just grabbing swords and getting it done. Not only would sword war-fare be a more economical way of defending one's country, but it would also be more environmentally friendly (no more empty shells left all over the battlefield) and would decrease the amount of civilian deaths.

5. You Can't Mass Kill 20 Kids in 15 Minutes With Just a Sword

Swords are slow, intimate weapons. Movies make them look like effortless blades of death, but the reality is that it takes skill, strength, and absolute control to be able to use a sword to a professional ability like The Bride or Deadpool. Even so, your stamina isn't infinite, and it requires a lot of stamina to cut down a human being. There's no way a person, armed with just a sword, could pull half the casualties in the same amount of time as seen in some of our country's most infamous mass shootings. Automatic weapons can mow down a crowd in 10 minutes whereas swords are much slower, and require a lot more forethought and effort to use.

In a country where mass shootings are becoming more common, it's clear a solution needs to be suggested. Now, it's ridiculous to try and take away all weapons. I mean, I understand, it's only natural to want to be in possession of a device that enables you to kill and/or maim as needed; after all, it's our right as Americans. Therefore, I suggest we do away with these nasty guns that are nothing but big, ugly, and expensive murder machines and bring back the classy weapons of old! It's a real win/win for everyone. Join the movement, buy a sword.