Here's another article about a lost college student and what they want to do with their life.
I want to be a doctor. I want to be a doctor. I want to be a doctor. I want to be a doctor? I've been repeating this same mantra a lot this week and while I've questioned myself on whether or not I actually wanted to carry this career out, I questioned about my own happiness. I love studying. Except I'm not very good at it. I haven't done as well as I wanted to on my tests. And before I had enough time to catch my breath, another assignment and even more tests were foreshadowing my impending doom. I was never told by my parents to be a doctor. My parents are the most supportive people and even they asked me why I wanted to be a doctor. I only know one thing about myself that I am positively sure about- I'm great at helping people. The only thing I could come up with was to be a doctor. I had wanted to be a teacher but in high school my parents discouraged the idea because of the amount of work and lack of pay the life of a teacher was. Also, close mentor once said to me that I had more potential than to be a teacher.
Being a teacher would be a waste of that potential. Ever since then, I've been trying to please others. I've been trying my best to carry out my "true potential" that apparently everyone else could see except for me. And I don't think I've been fair to myself. Not once this year have I felt truly excited about doing Pre-Med or completely sure about what I want to do. I've shed tears, lost sleep and emotionally destroyed myself to keep moving on the Pre-Med route. And it's year one. We aren't even doing "hard" classes. We're doing intro classes. And I feel so below everyone. Everyone seems to know what they want and I feel so lost. Even my parents worry about me pushing myself too much for something that I'm not sure I want. I just want to help people. But in all honesty, I have a fear. If I were to drop out of Pre-Med, will I be able to accept it? Will I still be friends with the people I hang out with right now, despite being the only one (possibly) not in Pre-Med? Will I get ridiculed and looked down upon? Will people talk about me? And all these questions are all what others would think of me. I don't know what to do and I don't know when I will know. I'm not smart enough for med schools to look at my application and consider me as a competitive applicant.
I'm not smart enough for these tests. I'm not smart enough. But it seems I'm the only one that sees myself as that and it's pretty scary. Think of every person you meet, already having standards after they meet you. Apparently after everyone meets me, they think I'm super smart. I'm not. But all this social pressure that they give to me hurts me. They won't expect me to drop out of Pre-Med. I don't want to be looked down upon because honestly, I feel like most of my life I've been looked down on. I've always been "never good enough". I just want, once in my life, to be good enough. I guess that's my outlook on becoming a doctor. To prove that I am "good enough". But I'm losing my happiness along with it and that's not how it should be...right?
