Today (or yesterday, the 11th of December) marks the third year anniversary of my mother's death. Now, a lot of you know that my mother passed away during my freshman year of college, on the eve of the day that I concluded all of my final exams for my first semester. She had been sick for some time - I even spent the entirety of Thanksgiving Break at home in Georgia with her by her side, hoping and praying (which is a rarity) that she'd get better. I kept wishing that things would be fixed, and that by the time I left to return to school to finish out the first semester, that things would be alright again. I kept in constant contact with my family, just continuously praying that she'd make a 360, and we were so close to getting our mother back, and then it kind of just fell completely flat. She was taken away from us, and that day, December 11th 2013, is a day that will forever be engrained in my brain for the rest of my life.

If you had asked me what I would imagine my life to be like going into my last semester of college, I honestly couldn't tell you. I would have never pictured my life to end up this way: parentless before the age of twenty. On my own in this little town, in my college apartment about to embark on a journey home that will then take me to Orlando, Florida where I'll be interning at Walt Disney World for 7 1/2 months.

You see, this was all part of the plan my mother and I had concocted some four years ago when we began this journey at Otterbein. You see, here at Otterbein, in the theatre department, we have this wonderful opportunity to go on an internship in during the senior year: whether that be in the summer, the fall semester or the spring semester. As I've already completed a successful internship over the summer, the faculty and staff gave me the opportunity to freewill it the second semester. So, I took the reigns of my life and applied to the Disney College Program at the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, Florida and told very few people within my department.

When I got accepted, it felt like everything that my mom and I had worked for over the few years had finally paid off. I was finally getting to do what I wanted to do, and I finally was doing something that made ME happy. I knew she was proud of me for going after what I wanted, but it also made me a little bittersweet that she couldn't be here to witness the joys that the news brought me, and that she won't be there to see me move into the apartments with my wonderful roommates, and she won't be here to witness me graduate from college when I return in April.

All of this, all of what I've stated, comes full circle, back to the grief. You'd think I'd feel more emotion, more complete sadness this year. But, I'm numb. I've had lots of moments of heavy grieving this year, because of the monuments that this year has brought me. I've never felt more broken inside than in years past, but thankfully, due to some pretty remarkable people in my life (both here at school, future friends in the DCP, wonderful staff members and a family that supports me no matter what), I've been able to find a way through the darkness and shed some light into the world.

On the eve of her death, I can't help but shed a smile. I know that my life wouldn't have been the same had she not died - which I know is a morbid thing to say. But, her death brought me a world of change. It's shaped me into who I am - it's made me eons stronger than I ever thought possible. It's made me more mature, responsible, fiercely independent, beyond loyal and capable of so much more than when I came into this school four years ago. I am beyond thankful that I got 19 wonderful years with her, and that she taught me everything I know about loving myself, and giving that love back into the world. She taught me so much about going for what I want, holding on to the memories and creating new ones.

Without her unfailing love and support, I would be half the woman I am today. She gave me an entire lifetime within the numbered years I had her, and no matter what, she will ALWAYS be my mother. She was the strongest woman I knew, and I know I got that poker face from her - always putting others before herself, and never failing to make us laugh and cry and love in the process. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful lady to be my momma. I am beyond saddened of her untimely death, but I do know that she is here with me always. She is always one step ahead of me, pointing me in the right direction, leading me to the right places, the right people. I've been graced with wonderful opportunities the last four years, and I know it's all because of her.

I miss you more than you know, I love you beyond words. You're always going to be the Lorelai to my Rory. You'll always be my knight in shining armour. You're always going to be my mother. Thank you for the nineteen years you gave me, and thank you for always believing in me, even when I couldn't believe in myself. You are the reason I'm still here. The reason I'm going after what we both wanted, the reason I get to graduate in April. You are everything. And for that, I am so thankful.

"As she guided me through these incredible 18 years, I don't know if she ever realized the person I wanted to be most, was her. Thank you Mom, you are my guidepost for everything." -Rory Gilmore, Gilmore Girls, 3x22