It grows like a beautiful flower, or like a sweet infant. Rapidly. It is as destructive as a ticking time bomb. It builds up until it erupts and destroys everything in its path. It consumes you, it becomes you. Anger. This is all it is.
Since I was a young girl, I have always had difficulty letting go. I was often described as an angry child. I now know that my anger was driven by my inability to let go. I am a very forgiving person, which seems contrary to what I have just told you and it somewhat is. I forgive people easily, but I always hold on to the pain they have caused me. This pain is what keeps me up at night wondering how someone could be so heartless. This pain is something I allow my self to hold on to. This pain, this very pain, is the cause behind my tantrums, my anger.
As I got older, letting go only became harder because I was being put in a position where I had to move on from more serious situations. I also began to really analyze the things that bothered me as a child which allowed me to see the validity behind my anger. Unfortunately, I was letting my anger get the best of me. I would act out without cause. I did not want to own up to the pain I was feeling so I let it build up and come out in trivial ways.
The root of the issue was that I forgave people so effortlessly. I did not allow myself the necessary time to heal from the wound. I ignored the fact that they hurt me, and simply lived with the pain. My pain then manifested into bursts of anger. I was hurting others as well as myself. I hate being angry now, and I hated it then too but it seemed uncontrollable.
Relatively recently, I made a conscious decision to part ways with my anger. It was challenging, but I learned how to let go. Let go of hate, fear, pain. I still consider myself a forgiving person, but I have also become a confrontational person. I communicate my feelings to people when they hurt me. I try to do so in a calm manner, but every once in a while the "angry child" in me is revealed. It is valid to be angry at times, but do not let your anger haunt all aspects of your life. Be angry in the moment, but also learn to be simultaneously civil. Being angry is different than being an angry person. One is momentary and justified, and the other is long term and destructive.
Ever since I decided to no longer hold on, I have been unbelievably calm. Happy even, genuinely happy. A painful situation will always be painful, but you should not allow it to become you because you will become an angry person. Live and let go.
