This was said to me at the Farmers Market this week...
...by a man old enough to be my father.
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And, more than once, he tried giving me advice on how to break into the modeling industry and not to worry that I'm "What...probably... 165-170 (lbs)? Am I right sweetheart?"
'No you aren't right, 180 glorious pounds am I, and my thighs are strong enough to crush a grown man's skull, so please, sir, do not approach me again.' I thought to myself. I laughed him off and continued walking hoping he would pick up on my uninterest in chatting...but they never do. He continued trying to convince me of my future in fashion despite my size until reaching the entrance of the market. Luckily he had a cigarette to finish, so I slipped inside to do my shopping uninterrupted.
But we shockingly 'bumped' into each other and even though I ignored his several 'hey's' in my direction he shoved his way back into my line of sight. "You know," he said, "you could even be a hair model. I know a place..." and proceeded to ramble on about his connections in the modeling industry and assured me I shouldn't worry about not being 'tall and slim like most models'.
This, however, was not a negative encounter for me. A few years ago, yes, it would have devastated me to be called heavy set. It would have ruined my week to be given such an underhanded compliment. This would have shaken my confidence for months had this happened a few years ago.
...but not today, and not ever again.
I'm too strong to fall into that pit of self-loathing again. I'm too confident to let others perceptions of me, question my worth. I'm too in love with my body to not shield it from harm. What did annoy me were the assumptions he was making.
Assumption #1
I have body issues because of my size.
Trust me, it took me years to get where I am today on the body positivity scale but it wasn't solely because of my size. It was because of comments similar to the ones he was making: 'You're pretty but...', 'You're smart even though...', 'You could totally be good at fill in the blank if...' There were many things factored into equate my self-doubt
Compliments don't contain conjunctions unless it is an 'and' for example:
You are kind and beautiful.
You are smart and capable.
You are good at that and you can accomplish that goal.
Assumption #2
I have body issues because I am female.
And he's going to be the one to help me with them...UGH!!! And how is he going to help? By objectifying my body and giving me creepy compliments that have attachments following them. Also, would he have felt so compelled to reach out to an attractive, 'heavy set' male and encourage him to become a model?
NO! He would not have! Because men don't do this to men they don't know.
Assumption #3
I could still model even though I don't have the 'body' for it.
At what point in time did I confide in this stranger that I wanted to model but was concerned I didn't have the right body for it? At no point FYI. Not your business sir, and not a compliment or an empowering statement if that's what you were going for.
Assumption #4
Every woman wants to be a model.
Some women aspire to be models, and that is awesome, get it girl. However, most women don't appreciate being objectified. All women are more than their physical attributes and it is inappropriate for you to try to talk to me or anyone about this.
Assumption #5
He was doing me a favor.
The biggest assumption of them all: he thought he was doing me a favor. The tone of his voice, the words he chose, and the manner in which he spoke to me reeked of self-righteousness. Like he was the first person to tell me how beautiful I was, even though I'm chubby. Like he was finally validating my fat existence, even though I am not fucking fat.
It Annoyed me more than anything...
It annoyed me that I didn't have a clever comeback that eloquently put him in his place while also destroying his misogynistic outlook. But words were hard to find while assessing my actual safety in a parking lot with a stranger who was bold enough to approach me in the manner that he did.
It annoyed me that he thought everything he did and said was okay in his mind. It wasn't okay. His actions were so outside of my day to day encounters with men I don't know, that his level of audacity and entitlement took me off guard.
It annoyed me. It didn't scare me. It didn't hurt me. It didn't drag me down to his level. His actions annoyed me but only because I am I able to recognize where all the assumptions he made came from.
The assumptions he made were based on his own insecurities, entitlement, self-righteousness, and overall ignorance.
And just like the last time and every other time I have been surprised by another person's sense of entitlement when it comes to me and what they think about me, I know what I'll do next time.
And I definitely won't be laughing it off.
