Are you struggling to satisfy the beauty standards of your modern society? Do you wish you were born in a different timeline where the definition of “beautiful” meant something else?

Well, that’s too bad. I can’t help you with that.

But, what I can do is teach you some extremely old, rather disgusting and potentially life-threatening tricks that will transform you into an ancient Roman beauty. That is if you survive, of course.

In order to become a true Roman beauty you must first attain an absurdly clean and pale complexion. To do so, you must ditch your modern makeup supplies including your foundation, concealer and whatever other products you are currently using. Instead, opt for ancient Rome’s finest chalk powder and white lead paste. These archaic options will make you look as if all your blood has been drained away from your face. Although, lead is highly poisonous and smearing it all over your face is potentially harmful, your skin will look absolutely stunning.

If your modern skincare products are doing little to get rid of your zits and freckles maybe it’s time for you to try some natural Roman remedies. If you, your friend or one of your slaves just had a baby make sure to store the placenta after birth. Placentas are marvelous facial masks. In case you do not have a placenta available, you could simply make a concoction out of gladiators’ sweat or goose grease and these options will work just as fine.

To accentuate your cheeks use some leftover wine from last night’s dinner. Simply scrape out the dried wine from your cups and then use your fingers to gently rub the remains against your cheeks. This will give you some vibrant red contrast against the ghost-white finish provided by the chalk powder. In case you are too poor to afford wine you could simply use red lead for blush. And yes, red lead is also highly poisonous.

Women in ancient Rome loved thick and unruly eyebrows, and if you are unfortunate enough to have thin brows I have just the trick for you. Find a piece of charcoal and with it line your brows until you have a full and dark uni-brow. This will make your face strikingly more attractive.

To strengthen and care for your hair use a solution of eggs and vinegar. Also, do not forget to moisturize your locks with olive oil. If you’re looking to dye your hair a different color you could use goat fat and beech’s ashes to attain a blonde finish. Using black antimony and animal fat will allow you to dye your hair black, while using henna and red wine will dye your hair red.

Do not forget that in order to mask the horrible odors produced by the products previously mentioned, you should always use the finest Roman perfumes- made out of rose petals.

Also, remember that the ultimate Roman beauty product is your personal slave- who will always be by your side ready to tend to your beauty needs.

[WARNING]: the tricks above mentioned are outrageously outdated and the use of lead in your makeup routine may result in poisoning and death. Use with caution.