As my summer drew to a close I couldn’t wait for my junior year to start, expecting it to be the best one yet. I thought I was prepared for whatever the year threw at me, but unknowing to me, my mother would be in a fatal car accident the day before my junior year started. I was not at all prepared for just how much this would destroy me, and still even now it’s hard for me to talk about how this grief has affected me and is affecting me today. What I will say is that it was like I was stuck, numb to the world around me, as everyone around me moved forward. And as more time passed, the more people moved forward while I stood still.

But I do not want to spend time criticizing the people that left me behind, because frankly I’m tired of being bitter about the people that left me when I needed someone the most because I’ve spent way too much time dwelling on it. Instead, I want to take the time to appreciate the ones that stayed.

I am not the type of person to show when I am hurting, to admit when I need help. I will do whatever I can to maintain the appearance of happiness, of being okay. Those that know me have learned to read between the lines, to discover how I’m really doing. I am the type of person where when a tragedy occurs I put all of my energy into fulfilling my responsibilities, which means that socially and emotionally, I become stunted. I did not have the energy to reach out to people, to make plans to see them, or do all the things I expected myself to do that year. And to be fair, few people reached out to me either. I remember a few weeks after my mother passed I was talking to a close friend who was under the allusion that I was now okay and doing better, and told me “I didn’t know what to do with you, so I just left you alone”. Some days that comment still stings. But I’m learning to let go of the bitterness and resentment, and instead praise the ones that DID know what to do with me, and DIDN’T leave me, no matter how hard it was at points.

Yes, everyone knows that people grief differently but most people have the misconception that grief comes in neat, orderly stages. But that’s far from true, it’s more like waves, varying in distance and strength. There is nothing clear cut and scheduled about grief. Many people did not understand why after months, I was still deeply affected. While some did, and tried their best to support me in my time of need. People offer support in different ways, and I am forever grateful for each and every type of support I received.

I am foremost grateful to the friends that understood that I was not okay. I cannot express how important this is because so many people had forgotten the tragedy I had experienced, but I was unable to forget. And you, you knew I wasn’t okay and that I needed help, I needed your love and support. And you understood, you figured it out, you could see it, and you gave it to me. I could not be more appreciative of that.

I am grateful for the friends that told me “we need to hangout and catch up”, and meant it. The ones that followed through with that promise. The ones that didn’t give up when I wasn’t making plans to hang out with them all of the time anymore. The ones that understood they needed to be the ones that put in the effort, and they did.

I am thankful for the friends that would distract me from my thoughts and allow me to participate in our old routines, like going out to dinner or going to the park, and never forcing me to have to talk about it if I didn’t want to. I can’t express how important it was to continue our relationships and activities like normal, it was like reassuring me that life could still carry on like before.

I am thankful for those that allowed me to sit on their beds with them watching Netflix, in silence. Not forcing me to have to speak or interact with them, but not allowing me to be alone with my thoughts either. Sometimes a person needs someone to just be there. That’s it.

I am grateful to the friends that forced me to leave the house. The ones that would stand in my room or at the edge of my bed, pushing me to get dressed and go out. They knew I’d feel better if I did, and it was always true, even if I was too stubborn to see it. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed and enjoyed myself, or been able to experience half of the things I did.

Thank you to my distant friends that would send me texts and messages checking up on me and making sure I was doing okay, and the very few people that reached out when I posted grief-filled content on social media. Even something that small is very reassuring and shows that people care, that I am supported. That my pain is noticed.

Thank you to all the ones that answered my phone calls in the middle of the night. Even if I had nothing to say, and I just needed someone to be one the other end so I didn’t feel so alone, you were there. Or the ones that let me cry to them and complain about all the things wrong in life and all the insensitive people in the world. You never pushed me to talk about anything I didn’t want to, you let me talk about things on my own time. And that’s what I needed, not someone that was forceful, but people that could wait until I was ready to talk.

Thank you to the ones that dealt with my attitude and moods. Somedays I was just moody, grumpy, bitchy, whatever term you want to use. I couldn’t help it. When you have an inner turmoil going on inside of you it’s hard to keep it contained, and sometimes it leaks onto those around you. Sometimes you’d get annoyed or felt hurt, but you never took it personally, or held it against me, or resented me for it. You let me feel it, you let me be moody. You understood that I just couldn’t be happy or unemotional all the time.

Thank you to the friends that understood. The ones that weren’t hard on me when I cancelled plans, or didn’t get that assignment done on time, or didn’t do that thing you asked me to. The ones that praised me when I was able to accomplish those things, but did not ridicule me for my failures. The ones that understood that just getting out of bed every day and living was hard enough. I am hard enough on myself, I didn’t need it from other people, and for that I am grateful.

Thank you to the friends that had gone through similar experiences, the ones I approached because I knew you’d understand the most. You let me rant about how people didn’t understand and how life isn’t fair, and you let me ask you personal questions about your experiences and if, and when, it got better. Not only did you let me understand that I was not alone, but that I could get through this. The bonds you create with someone over a shared experience are important in understanding and getting though the experience.

Thank you to the ones that did whatever you could to make me happy. The ones that bought me my favorite snacks, or sent me funny meme’s or cat pictures, the ones that included me in their holidays or vacations. The ones that made sure I had plans for things and was taken care of and doing well. The ones that were genuinely concerned with my happiness. I would not have been nearly as functional and happy if it was not for these efforts you put forth for me.

Thank you to the friends that were always real with me and not treating me like a pity case, but understanding when I did need sympathy. For telling me when I was being too bitchy, too sad, or that I needed to do my homework and go to class, or go out with my friends. Thank you for telling me the truth about grieving and how it will continue to affect me. For not sugar coating things for fear of hurting me. For stopping me from making stupid decisions because I was too clouded by grief to realize how much I’d regret them in the future. But also for letting me make stupid mistakes when I needed to. But mostly thank you for not being afraid to treat me like a normal person, because when someone is grieving all they want is to feel normal again, to be able to function normally again.

Thank you to the friends that just let me be. I read somewhere about how Pooh and his friends always invited Eeyore, even though he was depressed, and never forced him to be anything but himself and accepted him for it. I cannot express how true this is. Many people we’re frustrated that I was not acting my same outgoing, happy self. But you, you accepted me for what I was at the time. You let me be numb, and depressed, and you didn’t give up on me, you didn’t stop inviting me or including me. You let me be me, and accepted me for it.

Most importantly, thank you for not giving up on me and being patient. For understanding that the real me was deep in here somewhere, just drowning in grief. For understanding that I could not be normal after this experience, but I would return again. For putting up with my bad attitude because you knew it wasn’t personal, and my positive attitude would return again one day.

There is nothing more devastating than when the people you thought were your friends walk away from you when you need them the most. Which means there is nothing more appreciated than the ones that stayed, the ones that did not give up on me, the ones that have been patiently waiting for me to return. If it was not for your support and your patience I would not have made it through this as well as I did, and we would not have created the closer bonds that we have. Essentially, I would not feel as loved and supported as I do. If it was not for you I would not understand that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you all are patiently waiting for me to get there.

I am forever grateful for your friendship and support.