Clinical depression: the more severe form of depression, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder. It isn't the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder.

It’s so confusing. Waking up one morning not wanting to get out of bed even though you have a mom making you breakfast downstairs while she plans your mall trip. A father who just kissed your forehead as he’s off to work on a Saturday morning. It’s paralyzing when your friends talk about their weekend plans, but you can’t commit because all you want to do is sleep.

You don’t understand. You’ve grown up getting everything you’ve ever wanted, but the happiness seeps out and is replaced with hollow darkness. So you hide everything. You put on a smile, you make yourself laugh and you make yourself cry. However, as much as you hide your pain it won’t fade away. Every time you cross a bridge, you wonder, “Should I jump?” You see Tylenol on a desk and you don’t see pain relief, you see relief from this pain.

I never understood it, and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t know what brings the emptiness, the isolation. The feeling of helplessness. All I know is that I’m not your “stereotypical” depressed person. I didn’t grow up in a broken home, I didn’t lose someone close to me. I go to a private college and grew up with more privileges than many. But that doesn’t mean my depression isn’t real and that doesn't mean I don’t need help. I don’t “fit the stigma,” but I am it. Just because "someone else has bigger problems than you" doesn’t mean yours aren’t important, a saying used not frequently enough. Kids are dying, starved, neglected, beaten, but you matter just as much as they do.

So you don’t know why you have clinical depression and you don’t have to because it is an illness. You are not alone. Seek help, tell a friend. So many lives end unexpectedly because one didn’t understand that the pain they were feeling was real and serious. Just know that it does get better, and it does get easier to manage. You will learn to feel again. You will stop constantly thinking about jumping off of that bridge. Medication and therapy is normal—it’s not something to be looked down upon. For many years, I hid my depression. Only when I admitted I had a serious problem did I find pure happiness, and you can too. You are more than your depression.

Sincerely,

A girl who doesn’t let her depression run her life anymore