One of the hardest concepts to understand is why someone would harm themselves on purpose just to make them feel accepted. You're right, this is an extremely difficult thought process to decode. It doesn't make sense as to why someone would generate negative thoughts or actions about themselves to feel or look "better" in the long run.
Having an eating disorder means you have two different mindsets controlling your thought process. The actual self, and the eating disorder self. The first mindset means it's you thinking and you can comprehend and take note of whatever negative thought you're thinking of or had previously thought and take appropriate action. The second mindset is your disorder taking control. I can imagine this thought process to have a little devil sitting on someone's shoulder shouting every negative eating disorder thought that has ever come to mind.
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It'll shout things at you such as "don't eat that, you'll gain weight and get fat" or "sure go ahead and eat that, just get rid of it later". Everyone can grab and hold onto the idea that everyone has a little bit of indecisiveness when it comes to making the right or wrong decision for his or herself; It's the never ending fight between the two sides that really makes an eating disorder bond stronger with the carrier.
Hiding from your disorder seems ideal because you think you can control it on your own. However, hiding can progressively bring you further down into the eating disorder trap without you even realizing. It affects all aspects of your life and before you know it you think you're in too deep to get back out and you are a lost cause.
Coming forward about your disorder isn't something you find necessary and it's something you can handle on your own without any peer or professionals help. Having an eating disorder is for "attention" and "ridiculous" and it's "not a real thing". A minimum of one-year recovery including several years of living with an eating disorder previously sounds miserable, I get it. This is something controlling your whole life and you're comfortable living this way, it's all you've ever known.
Contrary, recovery is something you can take as a journey. Going through this allows you to see the other perspective of living without having that devil shout into your ear. It makes you realize that you are not alone nor are you crazy for having a mental health issue in the first place. You may think people see you as weak and unstable, when in reality, they see you as an incredibly strong human being who can overcome this and come back better than before.
I'm not here to tell you that recovery is fun and enjoyable, because it's not. I'm here to help you realize that dealing with the pain of recovery is so much more bearable and beneficial than ever dealing with the little devil sitting your shoulder. You will learn things about yourself that you could have never imagined and you will become this radiant, confident person you never saw coming.
