I could argue that it was because I thought we were so different, that I only pushed your buttons because I thought you were so weird. I wouldn't realize until later that it was because of how similar we are, that was why I always felt you were crowding my space. I could make excuses, say that I didn't realize how damaging the comments were. Constantly picking at you, trying to frustrate you. Or how as the oldest I constantly felt the need to belittle you, make you feel small. I could talk for pages about my own growing up experience and how I was trying to find my own little niche in the world and you kept trying to barge in on that. But this is about my writing to you, not my autobiography.
Mom always said we had a lot in common-and neither of us enjoyed hearing that. For me, it was frustrating to have me, my sophisticated, clearly more intelligent (snotty, selfish,stuck-up) self compared to a more frustrating similar version of my DNA. Let it also be known, as I'm sure you struggled with this quite a bit more than I realize even now, I never gave you the time of day. And that's truly my fault. It was just so much easier talking to my other sisters, but for you and I, it was always a battle. I reminded you constantly about how they were better than you, or how you needed to try harder. I shouldn't have, and I regret doing that to you.
I was also jealous. You seemed to have a way with people, a specific type of people, that I could never master. Your emotions so often led the way, but you never ceased to amaze me when our younger sisters would tease you, or our parents discipline you-that you would still persevere, try to get back on their good side. I was always amazed at how often you would pick yourself up and carry on. It's funny because even while writing this, I remember very few times this happened-because of all the times you had an overreaction, my brain remembers those times vividly. For me, it takes a little more effort to recall the times you marched back into the kitchen to try again-but you did, and you succeeded.
On a final note, we're girls. It's not an excuse, but rather an understanding. Biology has it out for us to begin with, and having three other competitors for an already crowded space didn't make us like each other anymore. With my personality and yours, we thrive off of space from each other. Our time together now is so much more valuable than the countless hours spent together in a week simply because we're living under the same roof. I also think you're doing much better now as the oldest under the roof-it suites you. You've changed, and I'm learning so much from you as we continue to pass through these life milestones-separately, but together, the way it's supposed to be.
So really, I'm here to apologize. I'm also here to say, thank you, for teaching me.
Happy Holidays!
