Once in a while, when you least expect it, someone will come into your life and turn it completely upside down. Everything you thought you wanted and needed suddenly changes. You go from thinking you're better off alone and you only need yourself, to wanting someone to share your life with. Real life is a funny thing. Things don't always happen as we want them to or expect them to. In real life, you can't control everything.
I think I knew. Sometimes you just know, you know? I think I knew the first time we hung out that you were different and were going to make me feel differently than I had in a long time. To be quite honest with you, you terrified the hell out of me. I hadn't felt anything for anybody in three years and then you show up completely unexpected and reawakened the butterflies in my stomach. I hate you for that, in the most endearing way possible.
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But, we both know I don't hate you. Maybe it would be easier if I hated you, then it wouldn't be hard on me that you have to leave. You're different though, I think that's why I like you. I'm used to people leaving me by choice, because they had drained everything out of me that they could. Like a sponge you keep wringing out until it has nothing left to give. But you are leaving because you have to. What makes it even more different is that you still want to be in my life. There's usually a final goodbye where I know I won't ever talk to someone again. With you, I have no doubt in my mind that if I ever needed you or wanted to talk to you, you would be there.
I think real life is a funny thing, but timing is as well. How is that two people who genuinely care about each other can't be with one another? Time. Timing is truly everything. In our case, time was not on our side. I think one of the saddest things to me is when two people who want to be together or at least want to see where life takes them, can't be together for reasons like timing or distance.
There will be forever be this chorus of resounding voices in my head saying "What if?" What if the situation was different and you could've stayed? What if this could've been something? What if we had more time? What if we would've met at a different time, a better time?
I'll never know the answers to those "What if?" questions. What I do know is that you made me feel again. Even if it was temporary, sudden, and went from zero to 100, I felt something again. For someone who walks around with a constant emptiness in the pit of their stomach, it was so nice to care for another person so much again. It was nice to feel whole again. It was nice to feel anything again. It was refreshing to find someone who was genuinely nice to me. Someone who didn't spew venom at me and leave me wondering what I could've done to make them stay.
I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for making me feel something again. I want to thank you for opening up doors for me, for taking me to get pancakes, for letting me be vulnerable with you, for listening to me talk about "silly things," for giving me attention when I needed it the most, for dealing with my sassy comments and giving them right back, and for being someone I know would never intentionally hurt me. But mostly, I want to thank you for teaching me to care about someone else again. Not only that, but for helping me realize that not only do I want more than just a fling, but I deserve more than a fling.
In another life, maybe it could've worked out. I'm not sure. I don't know if I can afford to dwell on the "what if's." Regardless of what could've happened or what I wanted to happen, I'm glad you happened to me.
You, the right person at the wrong time.
