To the person who told me I've changed,
You’re right. You are completely, one hundred percent right. I have changed. In fact, I decided I’m going to write you a letter and tell you about all the things that have changed in me. Since you seem to believe that my change has been negative due to your lack of a place in it, and you chose to belittle, berate and attack me for it, you’re going to know just how happy I really am with my change. Then maybe, you can find the strength in yourself to make some changes, too.
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I’m stronger.
You told me that talking to me was like talking to a brick wall. I take that as a huge compliment. For many years, talking to me was like talking to a stream. I took the good, the bad and the ugly and I ran with it. I let every single thing that was said to me flow straight to my heart. I spent my life focused on what people thought of me, and I let their comments mold who I was. No longer am I that person. I can take the insults with just as big of a smile as the compliments now. While you still, somehow, had the ability to make me feel horrible about myself for a fraction of time (kudos to you, by the way), I do not feel like any less of a person just because you view me that way. Which leads me to…
I’m confident.
For the first years of my life, I always believed I wasn’t as good as the people around me. I excelled at sports and I was smart, but someone was always better than me. Someone was always faster than me. Someone was always smarter than me. Someone was always prettier than me. When you’re growing up constantly comparing yourself to others - you’re continuously going to live your life feeling inadequate. With the help of some people very close to me, I’ve started realizing that my individuality is what makes me the best at my own game. I don’t need to be smarter, prettier or any -er than anyone else. I just have to be me. The ones who accept me are the people who are going to be in my life. The ones who try to change me are the ones I’m going to have to let go along the way. It sucks that you were once one of those people I held onto and now you’re gone, but I refuse to ever let anyone tell me that I’m not adequate and I don’t live up to their standards - because the only standards I have to live up to are the ones I set for myself.
I’m outgoing.
This is the part that killed you. This is the part that made you think I’d changed. You were right. This is the biggest change I’ve had in my life, and it came on so quickly that you’d think a light switch had been flipped in my brain. When you spend your life constantly thinking you’re not as good as anyone else - you really don’t want to put yourself out there. Going “out” seems like the worst idea in the world because you instantly feel like no one is going to like you. No one is going to want to say hello to you or strike up a conversation with you. Oh how wrong I was. This is where finding my confidence came into play. I like being out of the house now. I know, it’s weird. I was the world’s biggest hermit for the longest time, but I genuinely enjoy being out, being around new people, and making memories with people that could either be a story I tell when I’m older, or the people who will still be by my side when I’m older. I don’t want to sit at home and talk to the same people I’ve spoken to for years every single night. Humans are meant to be social. What are we doing if we waste our lives hiding inside, behind a computer screen, away from the world and all its stories to be made?
I’m done.
Here’s the part where you said I was the worst, and I’ll admit - I probably didn’t handle it in the kindest of ways. Every day became a constant struggle with you. You fought so hard for me to not change, to stay at home in my hidden dark corner so you wouldn’t lose me to the outside world. I decided that life wasn’t for me. I decided that I wanted to live while I was still young and able to do so. I decided that if one of my friends called me and said, “Let’s do something,” I was going to get off my couch and go. This turned into you believing that I was prioritizing them above you. You’re wrong. This was, is, and will always be me prioritizing myself, my livelihood and my happiness above yours. Perhaps that’s selfish, but I refuse to let you forever put me in a well-behaved little box just so you can get the attention you believe you deserve.
I wish you the best.
I wish you the best in your life, but I’m done changing things in my life for you. I’m ready to stop worrying about how you (or anyone else) feels about my life choices and start making my choices for myself. When things are good, I’m going to smile. When things suck, I’m going to just keep going until they’re good again. Never again will I allow someone to hold me back for their own agenda. I will always cherish the years we had and the bond we had as friends, but you’re right. I’ve changed. I feel more like me than I have in my entire existence, and you were too busy trying to put me back in your box to even try to get to know me.
I hope your life is beautiful. I hope you find your purpose. I hope you find your meaning. I will always remember you as one of those I loved along the way. I just hope that someday, you find these things in yourself, as well. I assure you - feeling like you’ve finally truly discovered yourself is the most beautiful feeling in the world. I just hope you find the courage to climb out of your box to do it.
