Dear You,
I get it: the bottling your emotions, the not wanting to let people feel your stress, your struggles, and most of all, the things that you don't want people to worry about.
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It's easier for us to just shake it off when someone asks us what's wrong. We sometimes want to say everything that runs around our brain, but words don't come out. The thoughts stay in your brain, not wanting to escape your lips. Our emotions hold more to our souls than most people think. Maybe we have a conscience that holds more than it should. It could be a bad thing or it could be a good thing.
You don't know why you do it, you just do. It's like breathing; you don't piece together why your lungs inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. Your body just does it. Not telling people what's wrong is just like that: it's just as simple as breathing.
It hurts you when someone is frustrated that you can't speak about what's wrong with you. Even if you are just having a bad day, something so simple, you can't say anything. Your vocal chords try to form a vibration in your voice, and sometimes your emotions come out. Sometimes they don't.
You get scared, probably because you don't want to say the "wrong" thing. Sometimes you do, and that's okay. Sometimes when you hold your emotions that rise like a tea kettle, whistling out steam when too hot. Bottling your emotions does that sometimes; they rise, and you can't contain the heat. You're used to it; blowing up and getting heated. Every emotion runs outside your body faster than a Nascar. You regret not saying anything to anyone, when clearly people are concerned about you and care about you.
We don't mean to hold in our emotions, and we can't consciously say we wouldn't do it again. It's like a little kid not wanting to steal a cookie from the cookie jar to spoil their dinner, it happens. Eventually we will be able to tell someone why we are having a bad day, or why we are sad about something. It takes time, and we have to let everyone who cares about us know that we will one day.
One day, we will not hold our emotions inside all of the time.
