To the person I lost,
I miss you every day. It’s so hard knowing I’ll never talk to you again. I won’t get a call on my birthday; I won’t get to see you on holidays. I don’t know why you didn’t ask for help. I try not to blame myself because truth be told, I wasn’t the problem; but it’s hard to not feel that way.
I’m plagued by “what ifs?” What if I would’ve tried harder? What if I would’ve seen you more? I’m always thinking about the last time we spoke and I wish I would’ve known. I would’ve said some very different things. When I think about how pained you were, my heart feels almost unbearably heavy. I know we didn’t always see eye-to-eye, but I hope you know how much I did, and still do, care for you. You were so loved and I’m not the only one who misses you. Everyone else who was in your life is devastated too.
Sometimes I get angry because how dare you leave me, your family, and friends. But I don’t blame you for your decision. I know it’s not your fault. Your problems got the best of you and I understand you felt like there was no other option. I wish people wouldn’t see suicide as the “the easy way out.” I know nothing about your decision was easy. I’m sorry I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t see the signs. The only silver lining in this is knowing you aren’t struggling anymore.
I know I’m still grieving but I’m scared the pain I feel will never stop. It’s only been a few months and I’m trying to come to terms with you being gone. But I’m scared of when those months turn into years. You won’t be there so see me grow and the things I accomplish. What if someday I forget about how your voice sounds, the way you smell, and how your keys jingled? I never want to let go of all of who you were, the good and the bad. You had such an impact on my life; you were special to me.
Losing you has changed me. Everything got put into perspective. I know now that the things I thought were important aren’t. I’ve learned who’s there for me, and who never was. And most importantly, I value the people around me so much more. Since your death, I started looking both ways before crossing the street because I never want the people in my life to feel how I do.
Days will go by without a breakdown but then I’ll see something that reminds me of you and I’ll lose it. Sometimes I dream about you. Sometimes I pick up the phone to tell you about good news in my life and I forget you won’t answer. People always ask me how I’m doing and I don’t know what else to do but shrug. People may think I’m crazy, but sometimes I think I can still feel you around.
There will never be a day I don’t think about you.
With love,
The person who is missing you
