Every day I wish you could remember who you used to be.
I pray for you to remember how much everyone loves you. For you to remember the smallest little things so they don't become the world's biggest things.
The smile you used to wear so proudly picking me up from kindergarten and the way you'd make me grilled cheese for lunch every day are nothing more than memories that only one of us had. They're replaced with pills and painful screaming matches.
I remember you being strong. Very little made you angry or cry. You were a pillar of strength and a matriarch of a family who had seen some tough times. Never once did anyone think you'd become a tough time.
We all know you don't mean it. We know you've lived a long life and this is just a short painful part of it. It isn't the part where you went on vacation or raised your children or celebrated the holidays with such joy. It isn't the part where you cook and bake and read your magazines.
This is the part where you don't remember where you put small things or big things. The part where you forget to not say things and remember to say the wrong thing. It's the part where you don't understand that no one is out to get you.
If I could tell you anything I'd tell you how much I miss you. How much I hate that it came to this. I'd remind you of every little memory of us I could. I'd tell you that I love you without ignoring it.
We would all tell you that we want it to be how it was. But that can't happen.
Instead, we watch every day get harder and try not to blame ourselves. We try not to wonder if there was something we could have done. We fight the thoughts that tell us we'll be that way one day.
It's difficult to explain to people what's happening. Neighbors, friends, family and strangers don't know what to make of it...neither do we. We've tried every word we can, but in the long run, all there is to say is that age took its toll. It took its toll on one of the world's most vibrant people.
I know it isn't something you want to do. I know you're confused. Nothing takes away the sadness that comes from watching the paranoia, anger and sadness blend with the confusion.
Every day is a new surprise, and with every day the good surprises get further and further apart. But the surprises filled with tears, rage, screaming and curses become more and more common. Turning surprises into the worst expectations possible.
All I hope is that one day you'll remember but I what I do. You'll remember smiles and happiness and pain-free days. One day.
