Dear Residents of The Closet In The Bedroom At The End of The Hall,

This is not an eviction notice, but rather a formal letter of complaint. I don’t even understand how there’s enough room for all of you, what with the cluttered mess already residing in your current habitat. If you’re going to stay, can you all at least consider contributing rent? My bank account is running a tad low and being a broke college girl with expensive spending habits is becoming quite difficult to manage in such tough times. You aren’t all actually prisoners of my mind closet. If I can’t evict you all or entice some of you to leave voluntarily, I guess we’ll have to agree upon some “roommate” rules.

First off, I have a strict curfew policy I’d like to start implementing which is one of the most imperative policies necessary to bring to attention, effective immediately. You are not allowed to come out at night. Night time is for sleeping, not playing. We can set aside a scheduled time to hang out during the day if you really want, (preferably not when I’m at school or work) but I won’t be able to if you don’t allow me time to regain my strength and give my body the rest it deserves and requires by keeping me up all night. I love our talks, really. Sometimes they are quite introspective, and thought-provoking, however, there are times these conversations can be quite one-sided and turn into monologues. I would truly appreciate if you guys kept it down once in awhile, too. It can get pretty loud and I find myself having trouble isolating the noise; I really don’t want to disrupt the rest of the family either, so let’s keep it to an absolute minimum.

Secondly, I know Halloween is coming up, but do you guys really feel the need to jump out and surprise me with your presence every night? Can’t you just text me “BOO!” first or just send a quick ghost emoji to let me know you’re around? (We have a group chat for a reason, geez). There needs to be proper communication between us from now on because it’s rude to show up unexpectedly with unsolicited guests, too. I know Misery loves company, but Misery, if you want to go visit your friends’ closets or have your friends sleep over some nights, it needs to be submitted earlier for approval. I’m still upset that you invited over your friend, Anxiety, the night before my exam. Especially since you knew PMS was staying with us for the week. Not cool.

We’ve all been together for quite some time now and I’ll be honest, I’ve gotten adjusted to having you all here, but it’s not easy for me to just let you out freely, so I’d rather us get along and agree to these terms for now to prevent potential unwarranted questions. Thank you for being understanding. I hope we can become organized overtime and work in harmony in the future.

Sincerely,

Your restless and lethargic landlord