I was so hesitant when I first met you. I had spent a great deal of my life being lied to, cheated, and just overall hurt. You asked me so many times if we could be together, all the while I was battling inside my head if I really wanted to allow my heart to be potentially shattered again.
When I finally said yes to you, things were perfect. So outlandishly perfect that it was as if it were written from a book. Not a day went by where we weren't laughing, enjoying our time together, or talking about our future. Days apart were spent constantly texting back and forth, playing the sickeningly stereotypical "I love you more" game - that, apparently, I won.
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I still don't understand what happened. I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone else in my entire life. You promised me I had no need to worry; that you would be the stupidest man in the world to give up the connection we had with each other. You told me that I didn't need to worry about protecting myself anymore because that was your job from then on and you would do everything in your power to keep me from getting hurt again. And yet, you're the one that hurt me.
We had so many things in common that it makes me sick to my stomach because every little thing I do reminds me of you. I couldn't even distract myself with hobbies or movies because we shared the same interests. I find myself thinking about you - quite often, honestly. I wonder if you ever think about me, and if you have the same issue I've had with trying to distract yourself. I wonder if you think about how messed up it was what you did to me, and if you ever want to apologize or get that connection back that we had. Most of all, I wonder if you meant anything you ever said to me, and if so, if you still love me.
I'm fine; or at least, I will be. Some people come into your life as seasons - just temporary until you can learn the lesson you were meant to learn. Maybe this was to teach me that my heart is strong enough to be alone. Maybe it was to show me that I really can love someone unconditionally and entirely, no matter how much I doubted I could.
I love you. Honestly, a part of me probably always will. You taught me things about myself that I probably never would have learned without you, and I thank you for that. Yet, I hate you for what you did to me. I hate you for taking my love for granted and throwing it out like garbage, but I am stronger because of this. I am stronger because of you. I will no longer give out second chances if the actions are not there. I will no longer linger onto the hope that someone may change their mind once a decision has been made. I will no longer allow myself to be placed on the back burner until it's convenient. If anything, this has taught me that if ever I become an option to someone instead of a priority, I refuse to let them choose me.
I've taken awhile to post this because I wanted to be sure I would be okay. Sometimes I still think about the good times and wonder what would have been. Sometimes I feel like lowering myself and being extremely petty. But dwelling on what could have been can drive a person mad, and the best revenge I can achieve is allowing myself to learn to be happy without you.
If you ever feel the desire to apologize, or give me the explanation I never received, or maybe even try again several months or years from now, you know where to find me. And if you find yourself going about your days without a hint of me in your mind, I truly hope that the new life you have found has made you the happiest you have ever been.
Good luck, and goodbye.
