I don't remember you. Your face is blurry and could morph into any of the thousands that I've seen before. I do remember what you did though. I remember how you made me feel scared, alone, and dirty. I remember your hands on my body and whispered wishes for me not to tell anybody. I remember fingertips touching those forbidden places, exploring, hesitant and reverent at first.
I remember how long I let that control my life. Blocking it out mostly, forcing myself to forget your face, putting on a smile and pretending this didn't control my life. Six years ago is when I could come to terms with what happened. Before that I refused to accept what had happened. Days filled with feeling wrong, unworthy, unlovable, and dirty. You stole years from me. Years I don't get back. That stops now. How was I supposed to accept that some people could be so foul? How could you take advantage of a young girl who didn't know what to do?
Your mark is still branded on my soul. Moments where I feel scared and insecure. Moments where I had the hardest time making eye contact with men. Moments where I feel unworthy and insignificant can be traced back to you. The first person who made my body not my own. The first person who took away the only truly safe place, my mind. You marked me, and it changed me and the person I could have been.
You don't affect me anymore. I don't think of you daily. I don't try to piece together those stolen hours. I don't need to remember who you were. I'm strong now. So much stronger than I was back then. You don't get to keep me broken. You don't get to change the course of my life anymore. You don't get to own my body anymore. It's mine.
I don’t want to remember your face, and I think that’s alright. I don’t need to know what your face looks like, I don’t need a clearer picture of what happened. The moments I already have seared into my memory are more than enough. Some people may call me selfish, but I think it’s the best way for me to move on. I am not afraid of all men. Some days I have bad days, and I tend to be more hesitant. There are people who think that I cannot move on without it. Some people in my life want me to remember because that would make it easier for them. But this is my time to be selfish. My choice here was already taken away. I refuse to live a life where that becomes a theme. It’s my body therefore my choice, my mind therefore my choice. So to anyone out there who has someone telling you the way that you should be dealing with this, kindly tell them to stop. You need to think about what is best for you now. For some people that is remembering, for others it is is not. You need to move past what happened. I’ll never ignore this, I can’t. I don’t need to open myself up to more of it though. I need to allow myself to let go.
I don't hate you anymore. Hating you takes my energy, my time, and my thoughts. It gives you a part of me. You don't get that. You're inconsequential. Irrelevant. You are nothing.
I win, you lose.
Over 39 million adults in the United States alone have been molested as a child. This is a number that we need to bring down. If you know of, or suspect that a child could be abused sexually, physically, or emotionally please contact the proper authorities or Child Protective Services. The majority of states have a toll free number that you can find through a simple online search, or you can follow this link: https://www.childwelfare.gov/organizations/?CWIGFu.... You can also contact Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1.800.4-A-CHILD (1.800.422.4453).
