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An Open Letter To The Last Cheeto In The Bag

There will be more just like you.

Taylor Bissonette

Jan 18, 2016

DePaul University

An Open Letter To The Last Cheeto In The Bag

www.flickr.com

Dear Cheeto,

When I opened your bag, I told myself I'd make it past the rest of the week. But then I reached in, grabbed a handful, took a bite and that was it. I knew there would be no slowing down, no turning back.

I probably ate your mother and your father, your sister and your brother, extra-cheesy uncle, your cheese-less Cheeto best friend and soon I will eat you. I'm not sorry for what I have done. In fact, I'll probably do it again this weekend.

To me you are so much more than the last Cheeto in the bag. You're a symbol of accomplishment and a melancholy reminder that all good things must come to an end. I don't regret a thing except the fact that soon I'll have to get up and wash the memory of you off half my hands. Maybe next time I'll branch out and get Cool Ranch Doritos or perhaps Dill Pickle. Regardless, I'll make sure to get a kind that is more refined and put-together than you, because you've left me with a mess.

The time has come; it's time for you to go and swim with what's left of your bagmates in my stomach acid.

Sincerely,

The One Who Ended You

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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16 Things Blondes Are Tired Of Hearing

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Another day, another Elle Woods comment. Can’t us blondes get through the day without someone harping at us over the typical stereotypes about who we are? I never understood why a person was judged based upon the hair color they were born with, or the hair color they choose to have (unless you dye your hair blue like Kylie Jenner, I’m still trying to understand why that’s a trend). Nevertheless, as it should be assumed, not everyone is the same. Not all blondes like bright colors and Lilly Pulitzer, and not all blondes claim to identify with Marilyn Monroe. I think the best suggestion to give to people before they make such radical claims is to stop judging a book by its cover. Or in this case, stop judging a blonde by her hair color.

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Recommended for you

An Open Letter To The Last Cheeto In The Bag

There will be more just like you.

Subscribe to our Newsletter

Sometimes bigger isn't always better.

1. If something happens, everyone knows about it

2. Never getting to be invisible

3. Knowing every single thing about every single person in the town

4. New kids are a big deal

5. It’s hard to make new friends

6. On that note ... the dating pool is even smaller!

7. Teachers are weirdly close to their students

8. It forced you to make friends out of school

"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love"

1. That Time He Tested Out His Flirting Skills and This Happened

2. When He Was Willing to Do Anything to Avoid Confrontation

3. When He Couldn't Handle Awkward, Emotional Situations

4. How He Reacted Whenever His Friends Ignored Him

5. All of the Times He Worried About His Failing Love Life

6. Whenever He Tried to Whip Himself Into Shape

7. How He Handled New People and New Experiences

8. Whenever His Friends Got Annoying, He Was Always the Voice of Reason

9. He Always Knew How to Jam

10. He Finds a Way to Make Any Situation More Fun

No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

Please hold your blonde joke.

1. "Is Elle Woods your spirit animal?"

2. "Is that your natural hair color?"

3. "Oh wow, you get good grades at school?"

4. "You must really like the color pink!"

5. "You’re probably not into sports, right?"

6. "You must have such a bubbly personality."

7. "Your wardrobe must consist of all things preppy."

8. "What sorority are you in?"

9. "You were probably a cheerleader in high school."

10. "You look like you’re from L.A. because your hair is so light."

11. "You definitely like Pumpkin Spiced Lattes from Starbucks!"

12. "Do you actually think blondes have more fun?"

13. "You must encompass the typical “white girl” stereotype."

14. "Is that daddy’s credit card you’re using?"

15. "So all of your friends are blonde too?"

16. "I’m surprised about you; I thought you would be a lot ditsier."

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