I want to start off by saying that I don't blame you or hate you. I wasn't even mad at you, but more so at myself.

Although, I felt like I was never good enough. Never good enough for you, for the guy I put everything into. The guy who I thought didn't have a bad bone in his body or an ounce of selfishness within him. The guy who I thought was so sweet, kind and softhearted. The guy who I thought about constantly and who I idealized and dreamed about being with. The guy I never anticipated to hurt me.

However, you hurt me and you hurt me bad.

At first you made me smile and laugh. I felt special and you told me I was special. I was your type. You told me I was beautiful, funny, kind and that I was what you deserved, even when I argued that I wasn't. You made me giddy, like a little high school girl. You made me feel like I was on top of the world, all the way up in the clouds, as cliché as it sounds. The conversations and the little things you said suddenly meant the most, but not just to me, but to my heart as well. They became cemented deep into my head and you were the only one I could think about and talk about. All of it caused me to develop feelings, and soon I fell hard and fast for you. Nonetheless, little did I know that while I was busy building a place for you in my heart and head, you were busy leading and toying with me by flirting with others, but I was oblivious. I was unaware of this, just like I was unaware of the strongest attachment I was growing and gaining emotionally for you and of the actual, little to no true interest you had in me.

I was happy. I was so excited because I thought you were the missing piece in my life that I needed. I opened up to you. I trusted you and you told me you wouldn't judge me. I thought you understood me and that you were going to help me, but it only lasted for a little while and you ended up helping me in a way I least expected. It turns out that you were the very thing that broke me and tore me apart. You left me in pieces. You ruined me. It was all just a facade and only you knew your true intentions.

I started to notice the changes. My eyes were pride open more and more everyday, but I wish I had known sooner and earlier.

I thought the lack of response from you was just because you were busy and that's the excuse you told me. "It's not you at all, I'm just busy with things". You were careful not to go into detail and I didn't question you because I didn't feel it was my place to. "Omg no!! I love talking to you my dear!!!". As if you were into me as much as I was into you and sadly enough, I believed your words. I was a fool. I thought I was overthinking and analyzing it. I thought I was being too critical, crazy and over-dramatic and I continued too and you proceeded to let me while the time span got longer and the responses grew shorter. You let me believe that I was being "a bit too much". You let me feel guilty. I was ashamed of myself.

I felt like I was to blame. Like I did something wrong... that it was my fault. I wondered if it was something I said or did. I took it out on myself, despite the false reassurance and lie after lie that was given to me every time, which I never failed to believe. It wasn't until things didn't add up and I started to notice stuff, specifically your flirty interactions with other girls. This was followed by the consistent, but sporadic ghosting you pulled on me, while you continued to be active on your other forms of social medias. Which, may I add, grew at rocket speed.

Before you say or think that it was obsessive for me to be constantly checking up on you and that I was being immature or childish, remember that you caused me to do it and you gave me the reason to. You hurt me. You made me feel disposable and without value. I was confused and in pain, but also in denial and disbelief. I felt like I wasn't good enough. Like something old that was being left behind or thrown in the trash. I started to notice. Notice that you only used me and acknowledged me at your own convenience. Whenever the time seemed right for you or you needed me, that's when I became important and for the longest time I was too blind to see it.

In spite of it all, I kept playing and replaying the whole situation over and over again and without realization I found myself trying to pull you back to me. I thought about why you had no interest in me. I didn't know why honestly, but I theorized that I needed to change. I needed to reinvent myself. I thought that would make me interesting or more appealing and that would take us back to the beginning. It would make you happy with me and that way I'd be happy again. I kept telling myself that through everything that has taken place, you just wanted and needed space. I told myself that you were just a social guy. That it didn't mean anything and sooner or later things would go back to normal; however, the routine of me putting in effort and you being nonexistent soon became the new norm in my eyes. I told myself and thought of a million reasons just to try and make the situation seem real, or in this case, easier to handle.

You see, I finally reached my breaking point one day. When that day came I found myself crying hysterically. A warm stream of salty tears streamed down my face as I cradled myself. My knees pressed into my naked chest, arms wrapped around them tightly while I sat there in a bath tub filled with cold, aged water, waiting. Waiting for you as I usually did. Like I had nothing else to do with my time because you in fact, were my time. I had just texted you 45 minutes before that, with my phone in hand and your name plastered across my screen. I needed answers and the truth because I was slowly shutting down. Sinking into the freezing water of the tub that was as pale and as cold as my skin.

I was tired and exhausted of feeling horrible and small, but I was also afraid and scared and worried.

45 minutes. All in which I realized that I have lost myself and learned that you fucked me. Interpret it as you will.

Deep down a part of my knew that I had to let go and move on because it would never amount to anything. All I was ever going to be was a doormat for you to place your dirty shoes. A broken piece of concrete or asphalt where you could park your vehicle for the time being. Nothing permanent just temporary. You fucked with my head and you played a game and that's when I decided that I'd give you "an out". Despite knowing I should've confronted you and how you treated me, I didn't. I didn't because I didn't have the heart to. I still cared about you too much. I remember writing you two paragraphs. Two whole paragraphs of feelings and emotions. I poured my entire heart out in those texts and than ended up apologizing afterwards for the length because that's the type of person I am. All I ever did was apologize, even though looking back at it now, It wasn't me that should have.

45 minutes.

I found myself laying in that tub, eyes red and puffy and my head pounding in pain, shivering. I stared up at the ceiling, my eyes darting back and forth. A heavy weight on my shoulders and in my throat. My phone went off and in that moment I remember feeling like my chest was being crushed and it was going to cave in at any second. I wasn't ready to let go, but I knew I had to.

I remember just wanting you to say yes. To say yes to ending whatever "this" was. "Please say yes... if you have a heart, just say yes and stop leading me on". Those were the words I found myself begging constantly as I bawled, breaking down, but there was still a glimmer of hope in my heart that everything would be okay and we’d go back to our earlier ways. It wasn't. You responded back with two, five words sentences that were similar to the same excuses you gave me time after time and I knew. I knew it was it and I had to do myself the decency and favour and move forward without you. You never felt the same way about me like I did for you. You never thought the same way about me like I did of you. You never cried over me like I cried over you and you surely didn't love me like I loved you.

And you know what? That's okay. It's okay because you taught me the truth. You caused me pain which allowed me to grow and to shine. I've learned how to value myself. I learned that I need to have respect for myself and that I can't settle for anything less that what I deserve because if I did, that's not fair to me and what I stand for or who I am. I am enough and I will always be enough. It's still hard at times and it will be for awhile, but I'm slowly moving on and ahead and when the time comes, I'll know what to look for and how to handle it. I'll be ready, but in the mean time and time being, I come first. I am everything. I am important.

So, to the guy that played with my head and heart, thank you.

Sincerely,

The girl you helped realize.