To the boy who broke my heart without knowing,
I have been in love twice before I met you. I have loved in a stay-awake-until-sunrise kind of love and I have loved in an I-want-you-but-you-have-cooties kind of love. Both times I got my heart broken, both times they knew that.
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The first time wasn't a big deal. It was puppy love, childish affection. It was like when I fell in love with Limited Too’s cami-bras and fell empty when I outgrew them. I really liked this kid, and I kept liking him for a couple of years. I believe I loved him because having a crush on someone for a long time is not something light. We used to talk a lot, even on BB messages, and we had a lot of fun. And then his phone got stolen, we stopped talking as much as we used to and we grew apart. I met a new kid who I started to like, and the I-want-you-but-you-have-cooties boy I loved got jealous. I remember when he asked me if I loved the new guy, and I said yes in an attempt to make him jealous and win him back. Yep, that didn’t end up well.
Then I met the guy who later became my boyfriend and -- oh, boy -- how much I loved him. I was older, so I knew it was real love. I would stay awake until 4 a.m. to read his messages and talk to him, I would drive for 45 minutes to see him just for two hours, and I would have given him the world. He was my best friend, the person I loved the most, the person I could tell anything to. And then I told him everything, and he didn’t tell me anything back and our love story ended sooner than I expected. I was a mess, a horrible mess. I cried, I binge-watched "Gilmore Girls." I even stopped eating, and you know how much I love cheese fries and pizza.
I met a couple of guys I liked, afterwards. I actually spent a lot of time with one of them, I am not sure if we dated, but we were something. That ended, and I kept meeting guys I was interested in. But every time I met someone new, I felt that something was missing. I can’t quite say what, but something about them was not what I wanted or what I needed. Even if some of them were better than my past relationships, something was not quite working. They were great guys, but they were not good enough for me. They were not.
And then, I met you. I felt this insane connection after we talked for a while, but I had my eye on someone else. I wanted this guy that in my head was meant to be with me, but when I met him I felt nothing. I felt literally nothing. Not even disgust, even if he is not my favorite person in the world now. But I still wanted to see if there was a chance for me and him to get closer and believe me I tried. I tried talking to him, tried being friendly, but it didn’t work. Instead, you and I did. I felt this amazing connection, this thing between us, and I realized that that was exactly what was missing from my other relationships. I kept hearing people saying how you and I had great chemistry, how there is obviously something between us, how they can see us being together.
I was shocked because you were different from what I’ve imagined. I thought you were going to be boring and cocky. I’ve talked to guys that are so self-centered that all they talked about was themselves, and they didn’t listen to what I have to say. Other guys made me talk a lot, all they wanted is to hear what I had to say, my opinion on certain topics or hear about the drama that went down with my friend. But they didn’t answer, they didn’t discuss with me or give me feedback. It was boring. Sometimes, I blame it on my accent because I was told, “I can hear you talk forever,” by people I just met. Maybe that is why these guys didn’t talk back.
But with you, there was nothing we couldn’t talk about. We talked, we discussed, we listened. We were awake until the last possible minute, and we went to bed knowing that we just had a great time. Or, at least, I did. I had a great time opening up to you, being able to let someone in. A few days before I met you I was told that I close myself in order to not get hurt, and that is what will hurt me at the end, so I decided to let my guard down and let you in. I feel that you did the same thing with me, that after your horrible breakup you were letting me in.
But it ended after a while. I believe it ended because of circumstances we can’t control, and not for lack of affection because deep down I know that you feel something for me, something small at least. I guess I would never know if those moments were just a fling for you, or if they meant something. If they meant as much for you as they meant for me. But it breaks my heart that I don’t even get an answer, or a text from you telling me how you are doing in school, how you are doing in life. It breaks my heart that we are back to being strangers, people that never have spoken to each other. I know that there is a reason for everything and that maybe someday we will talk about this and laugh. Maybe, someday, you will be just a nice memory -- something I can look back and smile at.
But for now, I am just a girl whose heart aches a little less every day.
