Dear Smiley,
It's been three years since you passed away and although life has gotten easier living without you, what hurts the most is everything I wish we could have been.
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When life has its monumental moments like graduating, prom, buying a car, getting a real adult job, getting engaged, getting married, having kids.... I always try not to think about what life would be like if you were here. But, I do.
I used to think thinking about you and wishing you were apart of my life was some kind of karma. That.. it would bite me in the butt one day because I would be wanting what I couldn't have. And, that it would haunt me somehow. It's a mixed emotion of anxiety and bliss. I want you so bad, but I fear it'll take me even farther away from you. It's like being stuck in a rip tide. I keep trying to swim out of it to get to you, but my own life keeps sucking me back in. The more I live my life and go through more years of my own life, the more I realize just how short yours was. And it sucks. It really sucks.
I have learned slowly to accept life the way it is.
At first, I came off very cold during the first year you were gone. You saw me curse at my family in spite of the depression I was going through. You saw me cry for hours around friends who were trying to support. You saw me transform into a drinking mess; wanting to drink every night away so I could forget just for a few minutes the grief I was going through.
I lost who I was, but in reality, I lost who you wanted me to be.
God knows and you know, that what I became after you passed was a HUGE disgrace to you. You were not proud of who I was, who I was portraying myself as, what I was doing, and diminishing everything good in my life just so I could live in sorrow.
Living in sorrow after a passing of a friend is okay for a certain amount of time and then there comes a time where it gets too heavy, too much to handle; where you realize you are eventually are going to have to pick yourself back up from the ground.
So, after one of my nights of dismissing everything I was supposed to be, I had a wake up call that what I was doing was really pissing you off. And, i'm sorry. And, I can see you giving me a hug from heaven, because that's just who you are.
The second year, I started living. And loving. And growing. Everything I was doing was in honor of you. I realized if you can't live your life, i'm going to live mine. Because, that brings you the most joy.
You want me to enjoy my life because I have the opportunity to.
Then, the third year rolled around and I looked at that second year like a book I could read over and over again. That book was amazing. And every page led me to a new chapter and I wanted to keep reading until the very end. When I got to the end, I got to year three, and here: I learned I was hiding my real emotions to please my thoughts, not my heart.
My real emotions I hid during that second year were:
1. I miss you. I miss you being here, I miss your smile, I miss your sick sense of humor, I miss your intelligence, I miss how you loved others, and God, I miss how you loved sports.
2. I want you. I want you back. I need you here. Life would be SO much better with you here. I could call you when I want. God, don't you know how many times I wish I could call you bawling and pleading for you to come back and save me? I really need you to pick me up on the worst days.
3. No man on this earth compares to you and I will NEVER let any guy take your spot. You are special to me. You were the first to show me acts of CARE. You CARED. And, you and God both know one day I will marry the man of my dreams, and I know you have promised that he's going to be 100x nicer and better than you, because that's you: you want better for me because you CARE.
4. I love you.
5. You love me. I finally accepted it. I finally believe it. I GET IT. Your aunt had to tell me this about a thousand times until the third year came. You really do love me and I'm totally okay with that, but you have to understand that when you walk me through those gates one day, you and I are making up for lost time.
_ _ _
The third year I accepted you love me, care for me, and miss me too. The sweetest memory I have of us, was the last.
For some people, they can't say that. Some people have a horrible and haunting last memory of their loved one before they passed away. And for me, I cherish our last memory because there was hope in it. We had plans and we were going to go on that first date. Lord knows, what I would give for that Monday to come to make those plans a reality. But, you know that every last first date I have here on earth will lead me closer to you. And the closer I get to you, the more comforted I feel.
Until then, I will live boldly. I will love loudly.
For the rest of my life, I want to have firsts last a lifetime. Your life didn't have that first date, but I got to experience it. And, I can wallow up in the fact of that or I can accept it. I'm going to accept it because the last memory I have of you was you smiling right at me and that was your "yes." You were the best yes. I pray and hope that the man I am with for the rest of my life on earth will be my eternal best yes.
Thank you for loving me.
Even though it was short, it was memorable.
Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime.
And your love is a love I can feel from million miles away.
You will forever be the brightest star in the sky.
Love,
Your First.
