My dad was diagnosed with melanoma cancer when I was 7. Needless to say, the cancer spread to all of his vital organs, and eight months later I found myself fatherless and confused. I spent the rest of my childhood without my real father. All of the daddy-daughter dances, Father's Days and pivotal moments of my early life did not include the somebody I had always believed they would.
As I progressed through my preteen years into my teenage years, the death of my father became easier. I dealt with occasional anxiety, depression and grief, but I was not angry. I knew that God had a bigger plan for my circumstances, and I came to terms with that idea comfortably. My mother had since remarried and my new stepfather, although he would never take my father's place, loved me and my siblings with the same zeal and mercy that my real father would have.
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It was when I entered my later middle school years and began high school that I realized that I was falling into the stereotype of a girl with "daddy issues." I was never one to have a lot of boyfriends or to jump from guy to guy, but I found myself constantly in need of male approval and desire. Even in middle school, I needed boys to talk to me or even to look my way. It consumed me at times. I began to compare myself to my friends and to my other classmates, almost as if it was a competition (which only I was in) to see who could gain the attention of the boys first. If I lost, I would continuously beat myself up about not being pretty, smart or funny enough for them to be interested. And it is still a daily struggle for me to be confident in who I am and what I have to offer.
Since I began college, I have battled multiple boy issues that I let define who I was. I started finding myself in the boys I was dating instead of finding myself in my Savior, my schoolwork or in something in my character. I was trying to satisfy a void that I believed only a romantic relationship could fulfill, and it destroyed my self-worth. I wanted to blame my dad and I wanted to blame God. If my dad were here, I wouldn't constantly be seeking male confirmation, right?
Wrong.
I learned a new ideology that I want to share with girls who have lost, do not see, or do not have a relationship with their father and are battling the same issues.
Boys do not define any part of your worth
I know the thought of dating the high school quarterback or the coolest and most popular guy in school has been drilled in our heads by romance movies for as long as we can remember, but I guarantee that life is nothing like "Sixteen Candles." Most boys at this age are searching for their next conquest, and many girls, seeking self-satisfaction, get into relationships with these boys under the false pretense that these boys actually care for them.
I promise: if all he is trying to do is get you to the bedroom, then he does not value your character or your integrity. You have to first find yourself. Before you can begin looking for a guy who will love you unconditionally, you have to become content with every ounce of who you are as a person. I know this sounds incredibly cliche, but it is so true. The only way that you will stop seeking boys' constant attention is if you begin looking within your heart and appreciating every wonderful attribute that you possess.
You are a gem. God made no mistakes; I do not care who tells you differently. You are wonderfully made and absolutely beautiful in the eyes of our Savior and all those who follow Him. Once you realize how intricate and specific your creation was, your self-worth will be attained. Discover everything that makes you — and then fall in love with that, wholly.
You are forevermore the daughter of a Heavenly Father
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" –1 John 3:1
I know that the absence of a fatherly figure has hurt you. I understand the overwhelming sense of shame that you may feel whenever someone brings up her or his own father or asks about yours. You may feel like a disappointment not only to your father, but to your whole family. But I can guarantee that there is an almighty Father who will forever forgive and be proud of the woman you are molding into.
God sent His Son to pay the ultimate price so that we may be princesses in His kingdom for all of eternity, forever children of the epitome of all fathers. All you have to do is cast your burdens onto Him, and He will lavish you in more love than any earthly father could even fathom.
Feeling unwanted or unloved? Remember that the Creator of this universe formed your being, choosing you as a diamond in the crown of His followers. We are daughters of the coolest Dad in the world, and He definitely won't embarrass you in front of your friends. Consume yourself in His will and I guarantee you that you will prosper beyond compare. Whenever you feel that emptiness or vacancy of your worldly father, be reminded that the Heavenly Father is with you always.
Never shut out the love of a man due to your insecurities
My stepfather entered my life only three short years after the death of my dad, and I resented him. How dare he try and take the place of my father? Didn't he know that he would never be able to love me the same way that my real dad would have? I was proven wrong time after time.
He mercilessly showered his love and respect upon me and my siblings, and for so long each one of us took it for granted. I allowed my insecurities to blind me from seeing the wonderful man who was willing to help the loneliness that I was constantly feeling.
Now that I am older, my stepdad has become one of my best friends. He has allowed the pain that the death of my father provoked to heal. I understand that it may seem impossible to feel loved by any male figure. It is going to be hard to open up to an idea that has seemed to only harm you for as long as you can remember. But have as much confidence in the fact that someday — whether it be your husband, a fatherly figure or brother — a man will love you for you. He will surprise you in ways that you're not used to. Guard your heart, but do not allow your uncertainty to surpass the love of that man who will care for you in the same way Jesus does: genuinely and continuously.
I know that the absence of your father has left a hole in your heart that seems nearly impossible to fill. You are constantly relating your worth to the way that boys perceive you. Remember that your outward appearance is no measure of your character in any way. The day that you begin to show true self-acceptance is the day that you fall in love with yourself and with your Heavenly father.
You are not a stereotype. The death of your father has shaped you into the beautiful woman you are growing up to be, and that is something that any father would be proud of.
Sincerely,
The Girl with "Daddy Issues"
