An open letter to the girl with a black eye because I once, was also the girl with the black eye.
The thing about black eyes is it never starts out with a black eye. It starts with words. As much as people like to disagree, words are just as painful as punches sometimes.
"He/She wouldn't message you if you didn't post pictures with your boobs hanging out."
"Maybe if you just kept your mouth closed people would like you better."
And the iconic one, "You are crazy."
Being told you're crazy all time can actually make you feel like maybe you are, in fact, crazy. But you're not. You are normal. I cannot stress this enough! This is the beginning of a narcissist breaking you down.
After the words have torn you down and done their damage, that's when they feel like you're low enough to lay their hands on you. And they will. It always starts with small things like tugging on your wrists a little too tight. Pinching the inside of your leg harder than just playing around. Making you fall then acting like it's a joke. And when you finally say something about not liking it, an apology will follow. And more than likely you'll believe that they're actually sorry. And oh honey, they are not. Not even the slightest bit. But when we love someone we tend to give chances.
Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, just not for an abuser. Because the second you let the little things slide is the second they receive a green light to really harm you. And you'd love to believe that they'd never really hurt you. And unfortunately that's not true.
The things I'm about to tell you isn't for pity or to make you feel uncomfortable. It's just in case your significant other hasn't made it to this point yet. I hope reading this will give you a reality check on how bad things can get.
I vividly remember my head being slammed onto a dashboard for asking to be taken home. Having bruises on the inside of my bicep because a guy snapchatted me. Having a cell phone threw at my face because I wanted to hang out with one of my girlfriends instead of him that night. Having my eye busted 2 weeks after having a baby because I didn't want to eat late on Valentine's Day. Being choked until I was unconscious for threatening to call the police. I hope that scares you and puts chills down your back because I would never wish these things on my worst enemy.
In all honesty writing this doesn't have much leverage on what you do with your future and the relationship you're in. I know that first hand. You can't change your situation until YOU realize you deserve better, no matter what anyone says to you. But I also know that hearing other people's stories and realizing you're not the only one whose been there, helps.
So if you're reading this and your partner is being abusive toward you and tearing you down mentally then allow me be the first to tell you...this doesn't have to be your fairy-tale. You are allowed to be happy and with someone who treats you like you're the most wonderful person in the world. I know sometimes you love someone so much, so much it hurts at times. But in a relationship, love is just the top surface. Along with love should come respect, safety, stability, etc. I hope you find the courage to leave. I hope you find the cause to love yourself. Life is so much more than being contained in an unhealthy relationship. And I'm so thankful I gave myself the chance to realize that.
For almost a year I've contemplated writing about my experience afraid people wouldn't believe me or that they would think I was being dramatic. Over time I've come to not care of others opinions. This is MY story. It happened and it matters. And if me getting through an abusive relationship can help just one person, I'll feel like I done my part.
(1 in 4 people will experience domestic violence. If you are in an abusive relationship and need help there are hotlines available. Also shelters for victims of domestic violence are available in most areas.)
1-800-799-7233 or visit www.thehotline.org
