To My Ex,

Thank you. That’s probably not the first sentence you thought you were going to read from me, but it’s true. Thank you so much.

I am thankful that I could not be what you wanted me to be. Your decision to abandon me for another crushed me, but it made me realize something: I am who I am. There’s no changing the fact that I’m a tall, bony, awkward, and clumsy guy. There’s no changing the fact that I am not always the best listener or sympathizer. I am often needy and rarely engage in normal behavior. I pout. I whine. I am stubborn. But I know all of that now because of you. And for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful that you chose someone else over me because it forced me to evaluate myself. I had to sit down and ask myself, “Am I the person I want to be, or did I somehow lose my way?” Ultimately, I realized that I can’t live by your standards. I have to define my own standards and be self-reliant to define improvement and growth for myself. I wanted more than anything to be your boyfriend and in my efforts, I did lose my way. I did try to become the person that you wanted me to be. After you left, I hated myself. I realized that I stood for what you did, based on the principle that I was happy. You helped me understand that happiness directly correlates to self-worth, and the only person who judges my self-worth is me.

I am thankful I will no longer feel scared to be the person I want to be. I might walk around campus nerding it up about "The Force Awakens" or the new "South Park" episode, and that’s okay! I don’t have to worry about what other women think. I worry about whether or not I’m expressing myself. To take from "Coach Carter":

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Timo Cruz, "Coach Carter"

I know that by being my nerdy self, I allow other nerds around me to feel less self-conscious and express their own inner nerd. We’re all so different that it’s nearly impossible to try to live by someone else’s standards. But by being myself, my positivity attracts others like me. Rather than changing or settling, I find people who encourage me to grow.

I am thankful I fought with you. You taught me that growth is more than height. Through all the fighting, worry, and stress, I realized that it does me no good to get mad. To quote my awesome father, “Why do we get angry? We get angry because we have expectations that aren’t met.” I learned that fighting does no good. I have to communicate and be open to change and compromise. Through that change and compromise, I’ve learned to change myself for the better. I’ve learned that without calculated change based on my own morals, I’ll never be who I want to be. I watched my parents fight and allow anger to be in their lives for far too long. I can never be an angry person, and so I work towards being more patient and more understanding everyday.

I am thankful I cared. Before you, I had girlfriends. But you were my first “love.” You were my everything. I was head over heals. I got up in the middle of the night to comfort you. I hurt and cried with you when life was tough. I snuggled and was vulnerable with you. And because of that, I know what it means to love. I know what it feels like to truly care for someone. And I know what it’s like when that love is not reciprocated. It hurts like hell and makes you want to curl up and die, but I know now that I can’t let anyone else tell me how to feel. I’m a hopeless romantic that loves being in love, but now I don’t kid myself into loving someone who doesn’t love me back.

Lastly, I want to forgive you. Maybe you’ll never read this, maybe you won't care, but I want you to know that I truly forgive you. I understand that I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend and you weren’t the perfect girlfriend. I wish I could’ve forgiven you immediately and started the self-evaluation process earlier so I could've grown more, but that’s the past. I use the memories from our time together everyday, and I wouldn’t trade them away for anything.Thank you.