Dear You,
They say moving on is the best choice you could make for yourself after a breakup, that leaving the past where it is helps to heal the heart and allows you to reconcile. All your life you have been told that letting go is easy and that it makes things better; however, sometimes you just can’t turn that page, or it’s a lot harder than they made it seem. You just can’t move on.
You have cried and you have screamed; there may have been times when you’ve even wanted to hit something. You have rambled on to your friends or to your family, and you’ve gone over all the memories, good and bad, a thousand times. You have relived every emotion attached to those moments, even if this time it was through tears. You’ve felt like the world was crashing down on you like you were suffocating under the weight of it all. You have felt the immense guilt that comes with not moving on, for burdening others with your problems or for your sudden desire to lay in bed with your headphone volume on max.
You have felt like you are doing a disservice to yourself and to the people around you. You’ve also felt the sadness—it does not matter where you are or who is with you, it’s there. In class, at the gym, on a night out, that moment when your heart constricts and suddenly out of nowhere you remember everything you ever loved about him and you feel it all building inside of you. It is overwhelming. Not being able to “just move on” is exhausting, so much so that people see it on your face and look at you like it’s impossible for someone to be so stupid when you say something like, “Oh no, we’re still friends,” or, “I miss him.”
They watch you carefully, as though they are unsure if you need medical attention—or just a good hard slap across the face. They ask you what you could possibly be thinking, how you could want that, but above all one simple word fires from their mouths: Why. Why have you let a man that shattered you continue to walk all over the pieces? Why don’t you have any self-respect? Everyone else and their mother has been through it and moved on just fine apparently. Why is it so hard for you? The questions are thrown out so carelessly and we all know you can’t reverse the bullet from the gun. What’s said is said, and you know that most of the time they are just trying to help. But you don’t need that. To the girl who can’t move on, I’m here telling you what you need to hear: that it is okay, every single part of it.
It is okay to be reminded of him. In street signs or in songs or in holidays or in videos you would have laughed hysterically at together, he is there and you shouldn’t have to block him out. It is okay to let your mind wander to him at 12 a.m., or to let your fingers type out a quick text saying hi. It is okay to not know how to do life without him, because you’ve had him all this time, and you’ve grown in part with him. It is most definitely okay to be sad or upset; don’t let anyone tell you there should be no more tears or that this has gone on too long.
Dealing with love lost is incredibly hard, and never be afraid to let yourself feel all that is tied to that, every up and down of the emotional rollercoaster. It is also okay to be his friend, because even though it may be a struggle ninety percent of the time, the other ten percent makes it worth it, because even if it’s just to you, he is worth it; trust me, I know that feeling. It is okay to let the man you love(d) back in, to open your heart or your mind or even your body.
It is your choice when to move on when to realize that the weight he is around your ankle, sinking you to your lowest point because you chose to jump back in, it is up to you to decide you have drowned enough, or if you are really drowning at all anymore. You get to choose when to break back through the surface and breathe if you need to. And it may take weeks, or months, or even years. Even if you find someone else, he may always be in the back of your mind, and that is okay. It is even okay to still put that man’s happiness above your own because that’s what love is. Just never forget your own happiness.
Love is so powerful. It is consuming and aweing, and we are often left not understanding the why or the how of it. No one can tell us the right way to love, and because of that, no one can tell us the right way to move on either, or if moving on even is right. All I can tell you is that whatever is meant to be will happen; I hold that tighter to my heart than anything else. And on him: he may be good, or he may be bad. He may fall back in love with you today or tomorrow or next year or in five years, or he may find another girl to give himself to. He may be the love of your life, but you may not be the love of his; or maybe you are. And that is all okay--even the not knowing. In the end, everything will be okay, and if it’s not okay, it is not the end. If you can’t move on, it is not your end.
Love,
Another Girl Who Can't Move On
