These walls I have built around me are because of you. Not because of a bad parent, bully or a toxic relationship. For me, it was my best friend and the people she introduced me to. I was young and vulnerable when we met. I was struggling to fit in and find myself. You took me under your wing. You brought me into a group that would change my life forever. At first, I was so happy. I felt like I belonged. We were inseparable. To me, it was like finding my twin. Our birthdays were even only a week apart.
Anyone in the group was there when I needed them. “Don’t worry, you’re family now.” That sentence hooked me. I let you teach me things I could never speak of now. Things people talk about as crazy intense things you see in movies. I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror. People even had a whole different name they called me and I loved it. Now that name makes me feel sick to my stomach.
You, my best friend, my partner in crime, the one who stole everything from me. The one who sat by and let people put their hands on me. The one who was killing herself and taking me down with her. It is unbelievable what manipulation can do to a person. How fast A’s turn to F’s, how fast you can lose all of your friends except the one manipulating you, how fast you get hurt.
But I thank you. Without you, I would not be who I am today. The lessons I learned from my toxic friendship are endless. I have learned to love myself. I no longer take my shame out on me and everyone around me. I have grown and moved on from my mistakes once you left my life. I fixed myself. I moved on and went to college. I look for warning signs of you in every person I meet but I have finally opened myself back up and let new friends in.
And no, I do not wish you anything bad. I hope you look in the mirror and realize you deserve more than what you give yourself. Like me, I want you to be happy. All the time I think about you and hope that you have grown too. That you don’t still beat yourself up like you used to. I remember watching you as things hurt you. You wanted so badly to mask it and act like it didn’t. You wanted to be strong. To be in control of everything inside and around you. I hope you found peace.
And thank you, for those real moments we shared. The times where we actually connected with each other. The times where I felt like you really cared for me and wanted to help me. Thank you for showing me how someone can make you feel so loved while making you hate yourself at the same time. Now I am strong. I am understanding. Now, I strive to be the kind of person I truly needed during my darkest times. I will be there for more than just my friends. And maybe one day I will see you again and I will feel nothing but appreciation. I will smile. Because I am a better person than I was when we were friends and it’s all thanks to you.
