Ever since I was a little girl, I knew what emptiness felt like. When I was so little, my biological father left without saying goodbye and without telling me why… Granted, I was a baby so I would not have understood but the lack of effort is what drains me.
My mother remarried and my step-dad “looked” like me so no one really questioned much but I was never kept in the dark about the Daddy Darkness. I knew my step-dad wasn’t my father and I knew the cold truth about my real father leaving, wanting nothing to do with his little princess. I never brought it up because playing house with my Barbie’s was just much easier.
As I got older, the questions came in left and right. I learned about the difference in a dad and a step-dad and I began to question why and when and where. I wanted to see my real dad, I wanted to know him. After months of reaching out, we had something set up. I was so young, so it did not mean much. He came over, ate pizza and we explored some man made woods in my backyard – it was nice because in my heart, I was with my dad but all good things come to an end. Before I knew it, he was leaving to go back up to the family and the daughters he actually wanted and knowing that hurt more than anything.
For the longest time, I hated him. I hated his wife. I hated his kids, which were my half-sisters. I hated all of them because my heart was so heavy with jealousy and anger and hurt. I hated them because he left me and my mom, just to turn around and start another family with another woman. I never understood how he could put my mom through such heart break. Even if she never loved him like Adam loved Eve, she loved me and he left her and me. I was disgusted, betrayed and so broken.
I saw him again a couple years later when I was around 12 or 13 and at that point, I was older so I understood much more. I’ve always had more wisdom than my years – which can be good and it can be bad, sometimes it’s worse. I stayed almost a week with him and his family somewhere in Florida because he came down for a military graduation. The memories I have with him from this get together are small and almost pointless. I spent more time with my half-sisters and my “step-mom” than I did with him. I guess he preferred the company of Jack Daniels over his daughter. I was a bother to him, an inconvenience to his life. I wasn’t introduced to anyone and that hurt. Here I was, his daughter and no one really knew. Or it was “Oh… this is your daughter?” As if it was a question, when no one should question themselves. I hated every second of it and I hated that I hated it because for so long, I wanted him in my life but here I was, I had him and I hated him. I hated his guts. I hated myself.
The years went on and I hardly ever talked to him. He didn’t care and neither did I. I didn’t care about much. I went into high school with “daddy issues” and that is not a cool label, at all. Almost everyone in high school has that though, like “Damn, your dad left? Mine too!!” and in my opinion, that is so upsetting that something so heart breaking could start a friendship. I began to question so much. There’s still so many questions I have for the man who was supposed to protect me, love me, scare the boys away, send me off to college, walk me down the aisle…
- Why did you leave?
- Was it something I did?
- Was it my mom?
- Okay, so you never loved my mom but that didn’t mean you had to leave so why?
- Did you have any idea how this was going to affect me in the long run?
- Do you know that I pray for you?
- Why did you leave just to have another child maybe two years later?
- Did you know I would stay up for hours waiting for a call that never came?
- Do you know I’m afraid to love?
- Do you know I think no one will ever love me?
- Do you know I had great love and let it go because how could I ever be loved?
- Did you know I cried when I heard about a daddy-daughter dance?
The truth is, you don’t know. You never did and you never will know the pain you brought to my heart. But on my journey with Christ, I’ve forgiven you for the time you should have been there and weren’t. Like when I rode my bike for the first time with no training wheels, when I cried because I got stood up, when I started high school, when I got my license, when I had my first heart break, when I won Junior Prom Princess, when I turned 18, when I graduated – you weren’t there for any of that and those are things you cannot go back to. Although, you can change any second of any day and reach out to me because my heart is so full of joy and love that I would let you back in. Swallow your pride and be a man, put the tampons away and be the man of God you need to be.
Throughout the hurt, the pain, the anxiety you have brought to me – I want to say thank you. Thank you for leaving my life, crazy to say thanks but – thanks. You left and my mom went through a divorce but is now with the love of her life. Your heartbreak to her, brought her to him and him to me. My step-dad now is the man that God wants as my father. With his love, I have learned there is a difference in the term father and step-dad but there is an even bigger difference in a “father” and a “dad.” You might have made me physically, but he made me into the woman I am today.
Does it hurt knowing you don’t care? Absolutely but ultimately, it’s your loss because I am great. I love God, nachos, long car rides and sleeping – so truly you’re taking this L.
I wish nothing but the best for you in all your endeavors and may God bless you.
Sincerely,
The Daughter You Missed Out On
