Listen, man. I don’t know what’s up with you, but this isn’t what I was really expecting. When my cousin brought me to you that cold night of my birthday a few years ago, I thought we were going to be best buds. I could see our grand friendship reaching out ahead of us! But that’s not exactly how it happened.

When you were a baby, we weren’t really sure if you were going to live. You were super skinny, and you wouldn’t eat. We had to feed you that weird pink milk that baby kitties eat. Eventually, you got bigger and stronger and we weren’t worried about your immediate fate. So essentially, we nursed you back to health. Totally saved your life. You remember that? Yeah I didn’t think so.

And every night when you were a kitten you would come and cuddle with me. Right on top of my face. And I had to keep moving you off to the side. But no, you wanted to cuddle me in such a way so that I couldn’t breathe. Maybe you were a little inconvenienced every time I had to move you so I could survive the night, but if I died who would pet you? Who would scratch at me every time you were tired of being pet? Would you move onto the next member of my family to suffocate at night?

So maybe you’re a little bitter about that. I understand. But you didn’t have to totally cut me off! I feel like I’ve been put in the dog house by a cat! And what’s worse is that you seem to love my brothers more than me! You’d think you would have moved onto my mom, who feeds you and cleans your little box while I’m away at college, but no! You like her even less than you like me. I mean, come on. She feeds you, for God’s sake. I know you like food.

Maybe it was the other cat. When my mom decided enough was enough and she wanted a cat that she could actually pet, she got her own kitty cat. He’s a purrfect, gentle cat. Okay, so he’s a little weird. He likes to roll down the stairs and cries right at your feet if you don’t pet him. But at least I know he loves me! He loves everyone! He’d let a burglar pet him! He just wants to be pet! I’m sure it must have been weird for you to have another cat come live in your space, but he means well. I’m sure that when he barrel rolls into you, he means it all in good fun.

Now I know what you’re going to say. You do cuddle with me! But you gotta understand, man, 4 a.m. when I’m asleep is not the best time for cuddles. Is that your idea of some kind of sick joke? To give me exactly what I want exactly when I don’t want it? Is it because no one else is around to witness you actually love me for once? Are you ashamed of our love?!

Please write back,

Love,

A confused cat owner.