It has been almost 2 years since our relationship and I sometimes still ask myself "did I lie to myself about how I felt about you?" How did I not realize what it was doing to myself? Why did I let someone make feel scared to tell them my true feelings? Did I just want a boyfriend so I went with what I got? These questions still linger in my head to this day.
I was starting to see all my friends happy in relationships and it made me sad because I wanted that feeling again. I met you about a month later and I thought you were something special. You made me feel wanted
A month or so passes and you asked me to be your girlfriend. I wasn't hesitant because I had waited so long for that feeling of being loved by someone who wasn't a family member, so I ended up giving you a chance. At first, I felt like I was on cloud nine when I was with you. From the dates we went on to all the times we hung out, it was all so much fun, but every time you would drop me off at home and I wouldn't see you until the weekends, I would feel happy but I didn't know if it was true happiness.
You kept telling me I was the best girlfriend ever, I was an angel, and how much you missed me. I started telling myself that I loved you when I didn't know if I did. If I didn't say it back, I would make you feel like you were more into the relationship than I was. If I didn't facetime you, I didn't care about you. The only thing I could do was push my feelings aside to keep you happy, but it kept eating away at me.
You ended up breaking up with me because you claimed you weren't ready for a relationship and that you would tell me when you were ready to date again. I was so heartbroken because a part of me did truly love you, but what made me more upset is that you basically said you wanted me to wait around for you and made up the excuse of wanting to know if I was happy by asking me if I was talking to or hanging out with other guys like it was any of your business.
As the months passed, I knew I still cared about you and said to myself that you were lucky that I was still talking to you despite what you put me through. Yet, you still had some kind of hold on me and when I tried to break away and move on, you would get mad at me and sometimes scared me by saying certain things so I had no option but to stay in your life.
My least favorite things was when you told me that the reason for our breakup was a lie, you would make it seem like getting help from my friends, living my life, and trying to find happiness without you in the picture was my fault when it's my choice and that's why I decided to cut myself off from you for a few months.
Even though you would be mad at me and I wanted nothing to do with you, you still found ways to keep me up and talk to you and put me under your spell even when I made my feelings for you crystal clear. Yes a part of me still loved you at that time, but it wasn't real. I forced myself to love you.
The day that I will never forget finally arrived. The day you finally pushed me over the edge. I couldn't take repeating myself over and over again, feeling like I had to push my feelings aside for someone who didn't care about me, crying over someone who I should've let go of a long time ago, and feeling like I was trapped. This was the day I officially cut you out of my life and moved you to the trash bin and that I admitted to myself that while you made me happy and also put me through so much, you made me realize a lot about myself and that you were the best mistake I ever made.
I know it will finally hit you, you will realize that no woman deserves to treated the way you treated me, and that you didn't break me. I am glad that you were part of my life though. I now know what I don't want in a relationship because I know how to spot all the red flags. Most importantly I hope you realize that while I am grateful to have had you, I never did you wrong, and I don't need a boy to be happy.
Sincerely, the girl who found the strength to leave you for good.
