I was so young when we met. You were young, too, but not in the same ways. You were charming, older, cooler than I was. I never even thought of you in the beginning, because I never imagined someone like you would look at someone like me. But you smiled at me and learned my name. You sent me messages and asked me on walks. And at first, I thought maybe you just wanted to be friends - because I liked college football and would play video games with you. But one day you grabbed my hand and from then on we could never go back.
You were sweet at first. Understanding. Caring. Driving me to practice and showing off in front of my friends. Things were great because you were great. I was so happy with you. I was hooked. I looked forward to seeing your face and hearing your voice, and you told me that you loved me. I remember every kiss. Every walk. Every touch - when things were good and we were happy.
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But soon you only wanted what you wanted. You knew I would never walk away because I was so unwaveringly loyal and in love with you and you used and abused every inch of that. You started seeing other girls, because you and I were never "official." And I would wait up for you, because you promised me that we would be together in the end and that you didn't love them. You and I just "couldn't be together right now," but we "would eventually." And I was young and naïve and believed every word that you covered in glitter and poison and spit out of your mouth.
Soon we could only talk on certain days and about certain things that you wanted to talk about. I couldn't have too many feelings or thoughts. But I didn't feel strangled or put in a box - I felt like I was the one doing something wrong. That you were so perfect. So much older. So cool. That I had to change things about myself in order to make myself worthy of you and your love. You didn't leave me and sometimes wanted to see me and spend time with me - so that meant you loved me. Didn't it?
We would go for a few days without talking and it would destroy every inch of me. Then those days would become weeks and soon months. But every once in awhile, as soon as I would start to get over you and move on and learn how to be myself again, you would creep back in and say that you miss me. That you needed me. That you love me. And I would fall right back into your deep, dark, miserable hole. But when things got too good you would leave again and I would spiral right back into a lonely miserable state. I can't even tell you how long that cycle continued for.
You tricked me. You lied and used your phony charm and glittery words to tamper with a young girl's feelings and thoughts and you got all the things you wanted at the time. But now when you text me and say you're sad and lonely I don't answer. When you say you miss me and love me I actually LAUGH. Because those things that you're feeling aren't love. I don't think that you're capable of love - just manipulation and mind games that you wrap up and tie in a bow and disguise as something you call "love."
You did everything in your power to use me and break me down and ruin everything that I was. And to be honest, you did for awhile. But you don't have that power over me anymore. And no man ever will again. So your sad attempt at breaking and destroying a fragile young girl really turned into a blessing - because I will never be a fragile woman. And I will fight against boys like you for the rest of my life. Because you don't deserve the control you so desperately desire.
You tried your hardest to break me, but you didn't - you just made me stronger.
