This a letter to the boy I thought was my forever, because we have all had that. We get far too invested because we don't know what's good for us. Even if it is them, this isn't the time that we can come to terms with loving someone you cannot be with.
First of all, I want to start by saying that I'm sorry I didn't understand then. I am sorry that I pushed too hard and assumed too much. I want to say that I get it. We were far too young and going far too fast to not come to a crashing halt. I recognize that all of my dreams did not inherently become yours when we were young and decided that I guess dating would be cool. I couldn't understand this before to be fair, because I had never had my heart truly broken. Now that I have, I can truly say that you understand love exponentially better after you have lost it. And you also have a far greater respect for putting yourself into that situation in which there is a constant threat of loss.
I was that girl, the girl who loved too much. I was the girl who would have given you the Earth, the Moon and the whole sky too, were you to ask me for it. I understand now, that is not healthy. I understand now that a love where one person gives it all is bound to drown the other person with no chance to swim. So here is the apology you never got for the feelings I threw you into, and then hated you for it when you didn't float in them.
That is all the apologies I can give you though. I would love to say I forgive the heartbreak. I would love to say that the trust we lost can be rebuilt easily, but alas I cannot. I can't because I wouldn't be the woman I am today were I to have not lost you. You see when you left I felt like a hole was torn into my heart. I felt as though I could never be whole again without you. Had I not hated you after this I never would have been able to learn to heal myself, a lesson which you can only really learn once you have had to do it. This is where I thank you though, I thank you for all those nights sitting on my floor or in my car or in the numerous places in which you put my heart back together for me when I believed that I was not capable of doing it myself. This is where I thank you for the times you told me you wouldn't pick me back up, because I tore myself down just to call you to fix it. You taught me that I was hurting myself without knowing. But more than anything I thank you for being able to tell the difference between the two.
This is a letter to you because as hard as you tried you were not ready to love me. I know now, that is different than not wanting to. I understand that you wanted to. I understand now that you tried. I have so much respect for you because you spent so much time to not let me fall on my face while you tried to interpret the steep learning curve that loving a girl like me comes with. You spent so much time throwing yourself underneath me when I fell, before you even knew if I was what you wanted.
You will always be the man that made me understand what love was, and that it changes. Love might be constant but it's characteristics aren't. Who you are to me and what we are to each other and in what ways changes more times than I change clothes when I am getting ready to go out (and you know that means it changes A LOT).
Know that I will always wish the best for you, and I will always love you. When you truly love someone losing them doesn't mean you stop loving them, it means you learn to love differently. I thank you for teaching me this difference.
‘T is better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. -Alfred Lord Tennyson
