Throughout my life I had always felt empty and I searched for boys to help fill the blank spaces. My low self-esteem and depression that took me on a journey to seek reassurance, acceptance and love in all the wrong places. I fell in love with many people who were not right for me in more ways than one, however, I do not regret these experiences because they made me feel alive and even if it was for a short time, I felt wanted. Though these all led to heartbreak, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank for leaving, thank you for giving me the opportunity to love myself for a change.
Thank you for reminding me that simply loving someone isn’t always enough. Thank you for making me feel special, only to leave me for her. Thank you for tricking me into playing your games, because you made me become smarter. Thank you for telling me I am too difficult to handle. Because of this, you have shown me the light at the end of the tunnel. And even during my darkest days, I have learned that I can be that light. Thank you for letting me down in all the ways possible because it gave me the strength to finally recognize my own worth.
Every time we got into an argument you always found a way to twist my words and blame me. All of your actions were overlooked because “my actions made you react the way you did”. I now know this is not true. It was not my fault. You were incapable of loving someone other than yourself. However, it is you I feel bad for. I may love people too much but it is much better than not being capable to love at all. You used your ex as an excuse to hurt me and validate your actions. Commitment may scare you but you cannot blame your insecurities and fear on me. I deserve to be with someone who offers me happiness, instead of hurt. I am stronger than you led me to believe, and I deserve so much more than the sorry “love” you gave me.
I was finally able to recognize the toxicity I was receiving from these relationships when a guy I was hoping to be with recently did something that I was not okay with and felt the need to tell me that I could do much better than him. This experience was the first time in my life that I actually agreed and told him that he was right because I do deserve better. A half ass relationship isn’t something I’m looking for and if you are only willing to give 50% then I want nothing at all. I confidently walked away because I know in this life tie, I will cross paths with the guy who will love me as much as I love him. My love is worth more than you made me believe.
Overall, I’ve come to the realization that I no longer need you to save me from drowning because I can now build myself my own boat. Keeping you around is like towing a small boat. All I would be doing is dragging you along, as you hinder my speed and my progress in my own life. You were always holding me back and I refuse to let you hold me back any longer. I am finally breaking the chains. I should not have to change myself to accommodate to your wants and needs. I know my worth and I no longer need you to tell me my value. My favorite book, Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Person states, “If love is at the core of us, we can add love to any misery we feel”.
