Hey you,
To be honest I probably haven't crossed your mind in a while so let me refresh your memory; I am the girl you used to tell everything to, the girl who attempted to help you put your life together, and yes, I am the girl whose heart you broke. Through all of this I can honestly admit one thing: I don't hate you, and actually am grateful for everything that happened, as took my roller coaster ride of a summer with you being an "us" for me to finally find "me"
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In the words of the lovely Taylor Swift, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in". Yet you still convinced me to fall for you. From the moment I met you you were a wolf dressed in a Yankees jersey saying all the right things. Through your sheepish smile, contagious laugh, and inviting eyes you convinced someone who learned from a young age to only rely on herself to trust you. You told me about your past up front, and were adamant that you weren't that person anymore, making me believe every word. You convinced me you cared about me, and said that above all else you wanted a relationship with me. You introduced me to your family and I'll always remember how excited I felt when you literally forced me to let you meet my dad so you could shake his hand. However, as the summer sun began to fade, our once sunny relationship did as well, and eventually began crumbling down taking me with it. However, our situation has taught me so much about myself, and life and general, that the only thing I can ever think of saying to you is "Thank you".
Thank you for giving me a reason to get my life together. What I've learned in recent months is that the absolute best part about hitting a bottom is getting to climb back up to the top and become even stronger along the way. Since you've exited my life I have literally worked my ass off getting myself into the healthiest physical shape I have been in in recent years, and have had my most successful academic semester in college to date. It was the hurt that I went through at your hands that lit the fire I needed to make these major changes.
Thank you for the memories.I honestly think I'll remember our 7:30 am breakfast date for the rest of my life (because who even does that). For letting me open up to you and for opening up to me. For all the times I would fall asleep talking to you on the phone and all the good morning and good nights texts. They meant a lot to me at the time.
Thank you for deciding to walk out of my life. It was the one thing you told me you would never do, but when things got tough in your own life, you told me you needed time to "figure things out". I completely understood, and told you I'd love to be there for you as a friend if possible. Little did I know that "figuring things out" would lead to you sending me snapchats of you in bed with another girl a mere three days later, They completely crushed me at the time, but were what I needed to see.
Thank you for reminding me to always choose myself. I often think back to the days in September when my life literally revolved around thoughts of you. I would classify " a good day" as a day you reached out to me, and I would always be at the other end trying to pick up the pieces for you while playing a role that was no longer mine (and maybe never really was to begin with). When it all finally reached a boiling point and ended, I learned the very important lesson to never put the happiness of someone else ahead of my own.
So as you can see, kid, I could never really hate you when you have changed me in so many ways. I am not the same girl who sat across from you at that diner at 7:30, I am not the girl who used to go to sleep holding her cell phone wanting nothing more than a text message from you saying that you were ok and had made it home safe from a late night out, nor am I the girl who was completely broken by that Snapchat and everything that ensued after. I am the girl who is a work in progress but whom is making progress everyday towards becoming the person she wants to be.
I know we haven't spoken in months but I hope you are doing well. I hope you are happy, and most importantly that you are staying clean. You owe that to the person I thought I knew. I hope she makes you so happy and know that it took me sometime, but I too found my own happiness.
The thing about roller coasters is that they give you a rush. They are full of loops, twists, and turns that can often leave you walking off nauseated and dizzy, yet you secretly want to get back on the ride to experience the rush again. There was a time that I wanted nothing more than to get back on the ride that was you, secretly hoping to get a text from you saying you were sorry. I've come to realize though that life, much like relationships, is a ride. Like relationships it does not have a definite expiration date, and is meant to be lived with your hands in the air screaming your head off. It is not meant to be spent waiting for text messages that will most likely come from a boy who said he cared.
Good luck "figuring it out" kid,
much love,
the girl who FINALLY has
