To The Boy I Always Wanted, But Could Never Have

If one day you find yourself reading this, you will know exactly who you are. You will know just by the words written because you were so very aware of what you were doing to me the entire time. You knew how much you were destroying me after every laugh, and if you didn’t… then you were less observant than a box of rocks.

It was always you. Since the moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew. I also knew, however, that those feelings would never be reciprocated. My entire high school career was to be filled with thoughts of you, all because of that fateful English class. So while you spent your time locking eyes with a very good friend of mine, I was left pawning over a guy I could never have. She sat closer in your direction and had more courage than I could ever dream of, I get that. She put herself out there for you, I didn’t.

You chose her wild and funny side over my muted and subtle side. You chose her brown locks over my frizzy blonde. You chose her beautiful voice over my scratchy, walrus like voice. You continued to choose her over and over again, without fail. Which is what a good boyfriend does, I understand that. I can’t exactly hate you for choosing her because, after all, she was the happiest with you than I think she’s ever been.

Every piece of advice you ever received from me was genuine. I couldn’t stand the thought of either of you hurting, so any place I could help one of you strengthen the relationship you were building, I did. When you guys broke up, however, you needed a friend because of how intricately intertwined your life was with hers. I was there for you. I answered you snapchats, texts, and DMs without question because you gave me the time of day for once in my life. I played it off like it was nothing, just a friend helping a friend. I, however, was lying to myself and everyone around me.

I had fallen head first into the pit that was your brown eyes. I was completely and totally infatuated with you, and I had no idea how to stop it. Until I realized what I had become, that is. I had become a follower, a lost puppy, because all I wanted was to please you. I wanted you to know what I felt when I looked at you. I wanted you to feel the same addicting mixture of pain and fondness.

That was when I knew that no matter what, you would only ever want me when it was convenient for you, when there was no one else around that would listen to you. As soon as someone different, completely different than myself, came around, you were gone like the cigarette you had become- addicting but short lived with the presence of pain and suffering in your absence. I didn’t want what you had to offer anymore, so you left without a word.

I deserve much more than that. I refuse to allow myself to be an option for you. I deserve someone that sees me as the priority that I am, not someone to run to when times get tough. I deserve someone whose thoughts and feelings revolve around me, not other girls. I deserve someone that doesn’t want me to change, and picks me over and over again without fail. You can not give this to me, however. I will continue to be an option you chose only when the ideal situation doesn’t happen.

So, this is my goodbye letter to you, the one that I can never say to your face.

Sincerely,

The girl you always had but never wanted.