I probably have a better chance of winning a million dollars in the lottery then you have of stumbling across this letter meant for you. But lately it's been hard to get you out of my head so I thought this might help.

Let me start by saying I know it's been a long time. November, will be a year in fact, since I was last able to sanely speak to you. I’m glad now that you’re so many states away because I still don't think I'd be able to hold myself together around you.

You were not the first boy I ever loved, but if I were to combine the love I felt for the ones before you, it still wouldn't add up to what I felt for you. And I can't add in the love I've had for anyone after you because so far, there hasn't been anyone since you.

I hope life has been good to you since we last saw each other, and I really mean that. You've always deserved happiness and I hope it's finally found you. Maybe you've even found someone who gives you all the things I couldn't, even though that thought causes me a little pain, I know it's pretty likely to be true. That's just what happens. Wherever you are I just hope you’re enjoying it like you should.

Do you remember when we first met? We didn't even mean to fall for each other but I'm glad we did. Time spent with you was some of my favorite time spent. Watching the night sky for shooting stars, eating grocery store sushi with Sonic slushies, driving up mountains in the snow… there were a lot of memories made with you that I can't forget. I'm sorry for how things ended, I’m sorry for the way I handled you leaving. Not a day goes by I don't wish I could go back and redo that dark time.

But I can't, we can't. And it took me a long time to come to terms with that. I can't change what happened, all I can do is keep moving forward and make myself better so it doesn't happen again.

It also took me some time to realize that I'll never be 100 percent over you and that's okay, too. Some people enter your heart and stay there, no matter how hard you try to get them out. There are people all over the world who know what I'm talking about when I say that, at least I'm not alone in that feeling.

I thought I knew what love was before I met you, but loving you was unlike loving anyone else. It was so natural I felt like I had been doing it all my life, like you really were a missing piece of my soul. Loving you was happy and easy and it just all around felt right. After you came into my world I never imagined it without you. I didn't want to.

When you finally did leave, it really did feel like my world was falling down on top of me, shattering at my feet and coming to a screeching halt. You were my absolute favorite person in the world and you still decided to leave. I know now that it wasn't anything you could help. A heart wants what it wants, and for whatever reason yours didn't want me anymore. I’m sorry it took me so long to understand and accept that.

You were such a big part of my life and I wish I could have been more graceful in letting go, maybe things would be different for us then they are now. You leaving showed me a side of myself I hope never to see again and I have been working toward that ever since. The absence of you in my life has forced me to grow stronger and better myself, even when I didn't want to. I couldn't really expect you to stay when there was so much work to be done, work I needed to do on my own. And it was the same for you.

I hope you still think of me from time to time and I hope that eventually we can see each other again, when our wounds are healed and we've had time to grow. You will always be the boy I can never get over, you will always hold a piece of my heart. I will never forget the love that you showed me was possible. And I know no matter how hard I try, I will never forget you.