I hate you because I don’t hate you at all—not one bit. I hate you because hating you is easier than letting myself slip. I hate you because you are everything I have ever wanted. I hate you because you make me happy. And I hate you because I cannot do a single damn thing about it.

We have done this before, this game; this dance for two that brings us as close as possible without allowing us to touch and then just like that you are gone again. And even after you disappeared the first time, I knew I would not and could not actually hate you.

I hate you for being everything I needed right when I needed it. You were the person who made me feel comfortable in my own skin and taught me to love my flaws. You brought confidence into my life, a confidence that had never been there before, a confidence that made me realize just how beautiful a person could be.

The more time I get to spend with you, the more I believe that we were made for each other. I’m addicted to you; to your goofy nature and the way you talk in your sleep. I’m addicted to the way you smell, good and bad. I’m addicted to your eyes and your lips, the way they look before you kiss me. I’m addicted to the way you twitch as you are falling asleep and then explain the science to me behind why it happens. I’m addicted to the way you always talk about your love of being little spoon but cuddle me the same way every night while being the big spoon. I’m addicted to the way you squeeze your arms tight around me when we sleep.

I’m addicted to the way you crinkle your nose and eyes when you are laughing really hard. I am addicted to the way you dance at random and awkward moments. And the way you get excited about science. I’m addicted to the way you get frustrated with my short attention span and then laugh because you know you can’t do anything about it.

I’m addicted to your single child behaviors. You need someone like me, a middle child. Only middle children are willing to and able to deal with you. I had to deal with my siblings shit all my life; I’m prepared to take whatever you throw at me. I know that you get impatient, you are needy, and you love getting your way; just like you know I am awkward, childish, and crumble under pressure.

You make me laugh. I hate you for that. You make me laugh when I don’t even want to smile, as cliché as that is, it is the truth and you made me smile on one of the hardest days of my life.

I hate you for making it so easy. Being with you is simple for me, and that doesn’t happen often. You make it easy for me to be myself and own who I am. You see right through me; which scares me but also allows me to show you who I truly am.

I hate you for the way you make my heart flutter just at the sound of your voice; at the mention of your name. I hate you for making me smile just from the thought of you. I catch myself thinking of you throughout my day, and slowly a smile spreads across my freckled face. I hate you because you make me happier than I have been in a long time.

I hate you for of all these things, but mostly because I can never truly have you. I hate you because of your past. You were torn apart and I know how closed-off it made you, how afraid you are to let go and fall again. I hate her for doing that to you. I hate that I cannot convince you otherwise.

I hate you because I do not hate you at all. I hate you because I like you. I like you more and more each day, I find more things I like about you in each moment. I hate you because I know you like me too, but nothing will ever come of it. I hate you because I want you more than I have ever wanted anybody. But mostly I hate you because I do not believe it is or ever will be possible for me to hate you.

I hate you because I can feel myself losing you again. I hate you because you are slipping away. I hate you because you made it so easy for me to fall for you, but you aren’t prepared to catch me.

I hate you because, yet again, I lost you.