Everyone has fears. Some people are afraid of birds. Others are afraid of heights. Some fear an actual person. While I'm afraid of things like heights and birds, I'm also afraid of you. It's not so much that I fear you because I'm afraid you'll cause physical pain to me. I think I'm so scared of you because of how you make me feel. All I've ever known is emptiness and unhappiness. You came into my life when I least expected it, and I wasn't even looking. You make me happy, which is a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. It's foreign and not what I'm used to.

The only type of relationship I've ever had was an abusive one. I've only ever been with someone that told me I was unlovable and that I needed to lower my standards. Someone that constantly had me living in panic, wondering when they were going to leave or when they were going to be cruel to me again. I've never been with someone who cared about me. I've never been with someone who listens to me talk about my favorite books and music. I've never had someone listen to me talk about my writing for two hours. It's uncharted territory and uncomfortable. It makes me want to run.

So I try to push you away because the idea of someone caring about me and wanting to be with me isn't a normality. I'm scared of being loved. What's worse is that I'm scared to love. I'm scared of giving you that power over me. I'm scared of being vulnerable and naked with someone again because I swore to myself I wouldn't. I put up walls upon walls so something like this wouldn't happen because my heart is so fragile, and I'm scared of it being broken.

So yes, you scare the hell out of me and that's why I push you away. You make me so incredibly happy, and I don't understand that feeling. You make me feel okay. You make me feel like I'm worth more than I think. I feel special, and I forget every bad thing that's ever happened to me when I'm with you. You make life beautiful and worth living again. You make me a better person. I don't feel like a burden anymore.

I was with someone that made me feel like I was crazy. My thoughts and feelings were ridiculous and because he couldn't understand them, they were invalid. I never tell anyone how I feel. I don't open my heart to anyone. I don't speak up about my insecurities or things that scare me. I don't tell anyone about my childhood or weaknesses. At least I didn't until you happened.

Maybe it's not so much you I'm scared of but the feelings that you give me. How you make me feel is changing me as a person. I'm listening to happy love songs and laughing again. My thoughts are no longer consumed by the fantasy of love, they are consumed by you and how wonderful you are. It's not a fantasy anymore. It's reality.

All my life, I dreamed of love. My daydreams were fueled by fairytales and happy endings. I always told myself I wanted to be treated like a princess, but I never thought I could find someone that made me feel like one. My dreams that I've had for so long are no longer dreams anymore, they are a reality. It's real. It's not in my head. And it's exciting, terrifying and surprising, all at once. That scares me because I can control my dreams, but I can't control reality.

But no matter how hard I try to push you away, you always pull back. You have no idea how happy that makes my heart. I'm so incredibly lucky to have met you. And despite being terrified of you and how you make me feel, I'm so excited to see what is to come. Whether it be a couple dates and we decide we're better off apart, or so many dates that we lose count because we've been together for so long. I'm excited and terrified to feel as much as I do for you. And even though you scare me, you're worth it. Because some people are worth sacrificing being hurt for.