To those who are struggling with sexual abuse, this is for you.
I was raped.
I was molested.
I was sexually abused.
More than once.
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I never felt comfortable speaking out about it until now. When people tell their stories it always turns back on them. People ask questions like were you drunk or what kind of clothing did you have on. They will ask questions like deep down inside did you want it or how did it really feel. It will always turn to what did you do. So you see how society will base your circumstances only on you shoving guilt down your throat, not looking at the whole picture. I forever kept my story to myself.
I remember each one so clearly as if they just happened. I can tell you how it started and ended. I can tell you who they were and what I saw. I can tell you what was said and how I felt. I can tell you the locations. I can also tell you who the people were who watched at times and did nothing to help me, but nothing more than that.
I can tell you how I thought the abuse would never end. It was like a song on repeat. I can tell you how much I would cry because I was in pain. I just remember how I would be throbbing in unexplainable pain that no one could just walk up to me and see. I was touched in ways I can't even explain. My body was taken advantage of. I was small and weak. I couldn't do anything about It. I could not help myself. I would just lay there each time under their pressure Crying and not making any noise. I couldn't. It hurt to go through it over and over. I felt as if that was my life. It hurt not being able to tell anyone.
It was a secret within me dying to get out. I just wanted someone to see my pain, to listen, and to understand. When I spoke I would get told that it's over now or to get over it. I then kept in silence. Keeping it in silence hidden within me did not help me or other people. It only caused me internal pain and suffering. I was hiding my brokenness. I was hiding what was done to me. I was protecting my abusers and not myself or other people. I always tried forgetting what was done, but I never could. I could never bring myself to the point of accepting what was done. I could never bring myself to the point of forgiving. Being raped and abused caused me to become afraid. It caused anger and frustration within me. It caused me to not be able to love and gave me the feeling that I could never be loved. I lost myself and I lost a sense of who I was. I felt imprisoned as if my abusers had something over me. My feelings pushed me into this isolated corner and I felt hurt and ashamed all the time. I would walk around daily carrying this burden. I felt like a lot of who I am was gone. For a long time, I felt as if what happened to me is what defined me. I would always blame myself. I always thought of the what -ifs and what I could have done differently. I always thought that something was wrong with me. I was ashamed of myself.
I remember writing a letter to my abusers. It was just an “if I could say anything to them what would I say,” letter. That letter I still have today. That letter explained my feelings and how much anger and hate I had towards them. It expressed my harsh feelings about the situation towards them. I wished their death. I wished they could feel the pain they caused me.
It's been a while down the road and I still think of it. Sometimes I still feel the guilt and the shame. At times, I'll still have the flashbacks and at times, I'll still cry.
It's a healing process. A long one. It may be a lifetime process for some.
I can tell you how since then I have given my life to God. I can start now by telling you how God is a healer and has been healing me. I can tell you how God will replace everything that was taken. I can tell you how God will and can love you. HIS love is like no other. HE will love you like no other man can and how HE will not harm you. I can tell you how in God there is no need for fear. That if you were abused rather it be sexually, emotionally, or physically...that it does not define you or your life. It is not your forever. I can tell you how it's not your fault and how you should not feel ashamed of yourself or dirty. I can tell you that if you allow God to come in and take over, that in time there will be no more of it.
I wrote a letter to my abusers. It was just an “if I could say anything to them what would I say,” letter. The letter I still have. The letter explains everything the one before explained, except this time with love and forgiveness. Except this time, it's with God and his love.
HE heals.
If you are a person who has ever experienced a form of rape, molestation, or sexual abuse, please know that is was not your fault and that you do not need to suffer any longer. The struggle that you are dealing with now is not your forever. You should not be ashamed of yourself or your life. What once happened will not happen again. In your head, you are probably saying that you have heard it all before, but listen because I speak to you as a person who has lived through it all before.
You’re worth it.
You’re beautiful.
You’re not alone.
Stay strong!
