To premise this letter, I figure I’d let you in on my personal story and the awful encounter that set my fingers to keyboard.
Hi, my name is Caitlin Kobylak and I am a non-binary human being. (To those in my family/friend group that didn't know this, I guess I'm coming out.)
This is the part of the meeting where everyone says “Hi Caitlin” back to me and then we carry on in this weird space where our troubles are meant to be shared in a safe space.
My pronouns are ‘she’...but they are also ‘he.’ I also use ‘they/them’ pronouns.
It’s a rough time, since I’m not sure how I really identify, since none of those pronouns really feel right. A work in progress, as it were.
I’m used to being open with my gender non-conforming ways and, for the most part, everyone I’ve met has been okay with it. Sometimes people think they are misgendering me when I feel masculine and dress a certain way. It happened most often after I first cut my hair really short. That’s actually how I started to figure out that I didn’t conform to the gender binary. In my early years, people would consistently mistake me for a boy, or I would be teased that I should have a more masculine name.
I didn’t like it at first. The way I saw it, I was just dressing in clothes–not boy clothes or girl clothes.
You know, the term "genderqueer" wasn’t coined until the 1990’s, which was probably why I had no education into why I felt so out of place when it came to figuring out which bathroom I was supposed to use.
But that was in middle school and throughout high school. Now I’m starting my second year of college and have learned how to accept myself the way I should after much soul searching.
That is, until last week when a friend of mine posted this image on his Facebook.
This post would set off the worst days of dysphoria I’ve ever felt. It was weird to me because I’m confident in knowing who I am and I shouldn’t have felt so…unconfident? The only way I could describe how I felt was like a glitch.
I nearly short-circuited, about to respond with anger that was fueled by hurt. Yeah, I’m faced with this kind of invalidation every day, but it was never made personal until now. I didn’t know what to do. I decided to think about what to say and then I consulted one of my best friends on the matter before proceeding.
First, he said, like many of my friends initial reactions when I told them about this event, “Set him on fire.”
For those of you reading this, I do not recommend this.
One–because it is illegal, and two–because this just perpetuates a stereotype. The stereotype being that “all us non-binary folk are angry SJWs that just scream without a reason.”
Educating is a much better option, which my friend also pointed out to me.
I understand that it’s frustrating and exhausting every day to have to explain again and again why you should be treated like the human being that you are, but if we give up now, we are just allowing stereotypes about us continue. People learn nothing if they aren’t given the materials to educate themselves.
To those non-binary folk that are reading this, here is my letter to you.
You are valid as a human being.
You have every right to have a person respect your pronouns and how you identify.
Do not think you are wrong or fake, due to how you identify. What you’re feeling is real and is not a phase.
Do not let society tell you who you should be. The only person that can define you as a human being is yourself.
Do not allow people to get away with telling you and others that your gender is not valid. However, do not get mad. Do not shut them down with harsh words. Do not give them a reason to fight you. Instead, give them the materials that can provide them with insight, because maybe they’re just too insecure about their own identity to really know how to react in this matter.
I reiterate: You. Are. Valid. As. A. Human. Being.
Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Trust yourself, because you are most likely right.
If you are trying to figure yourself out or need to educate someone else on the matter, here are some resources that have proven helpful to me:
Love, Your Friendly Neighborhood Non-Binary
P.S.:
I recently got back from my yearly trip visiting the coast. One of the things I love about the ocean is that it can’t judge you. Another one of my close friends texted me the day I went to the sea and he wrote me something along the lines of, “The stars and the moon think you’re valid too!”
It’s a nice thought, that these things that have a weird sort of life to them can’t judge you on your identification. Gender is, afterall, a societal construct. Nature doesn’t have any of that. The ocean doesn’t have any pronouns. It inspired me to make this self portrait as a form of art therapy, and to capture that moment of introspection. Thank you so much for reading! It was really cathartic to write this and I appreciate you listening!
