An Open Letter
To: “The One Who Got Away”:
It doesn’t matter how long the relationship lasted, the quality or quantity of time the two of you spent together, or even whether or not it’s considered your “best” relationship, we all have that “one that got away”. For myself, it was my most recent serious relationship, and even though it was shorter than a year (shortest of all), and completely different than any other relationship, or love, I've been in before; it was the love that really made me reflect a lot and therefore wonder.
Before I continue, I would like to point out, in no way do I think I would be where I am today; happy, fulfilled, loved, if I were to still be in the relationship. This is simply my reflection, a letter of things I wish I could say to him now but can’t.
I fell hard and learned a lot—I just learned some things a little too late.
Dear You,
It’s been a while since I have thought of how I would approach you if ever given this opportunity. There are so many things left unsaid, so many memories I need preserved, and so many questions I’ve been asking myself with so few answers. I doubt you’ll ever read this and I especially doubt ever getting a response back but I need to pretend you will read this, pretend you’re hearing me. I honestly want to start by simply saying thank you. Everyday I have the opportunity to be reminded of at least one of our great memories; whether it was just laughing together, doing schoolwork, or sharing a meal; I think about them everyday and cherish them since they are all I have left. There really are so many things I didn’t give you credit for or appreciate as much as I should have (neither of us were very good at this). Despite what I had been warned about you, from the first time I needed you, you were there. I drank a little too much that one night at Beer Olympics where you were kind enough to take care of me that night and let me sleep it off (on your side of the bed). Even though you were annoyed the following day (and a few times again throughout the months) you were still willing to be there for me and help me. I never truly realized you weren’t used to that before, being there for someone so selflessly, and I never appreciated your efforts as much as I should have; so thank you, thank you for being there for me that night and always trying to be there for me. I know I was the first person you truly tried to care about and prioritize and I’m grateful for that. I wish I had noticed it when we were together, appreciated it then, and ensured you knew how special it made me feel. Another thing, thank you for always knowing how to make me smile even when I didn’t want to or was too stressed or upset to really know how to smile. You really had no idea how much I loved that about you, it was often hard to stay mad at you (regardless of how convincing I was) because I just wanted to smile around you all the time. Even if I didn’t always express this, every time you’d walk into a room I’d smile and honestly feel butterflies in my stomach. There really just was something about your presence that made me feel great. I remember this one image vividly: you were walking from your backyard to your side door in your navy and green striped PJ bottoms, I remember thinking when you were opening the door how god damn lucky I was to be with someone so hot and sexy. I had moments like this all the time where I’d genuinely feel grateful and lucky to call you my boyfriend. Which gets me to my next thank you. Thank you for always making me feel comfortable—this goes for your friends too. No matter who was around or what we were doing, I truly always felt included, loved, and wanted. It meant a lot to be accepted by you and your friends and to make me feel as if they were my friends too, for that I’ll be forever grateful—it is what I miss the most. You always made me feel at home in your home, at your friends homes, and at your mom’s home—I loved meeting your family and I only wish I could have had the opportunity to get to know them more, you're lucky you have them.
Even with all these great things and memories I’ll continue to cherish, there were a lot of problems in our relationship, mostly small things that never got resolved or blown out of proportion. I’ll take as much responsibility as you’d like I don’t want to cast blame, I just want you to understand what I have realized because of it, whether you even care or not.
When I first started reflecting about us after time had passed and I crossed paths with a few different guys, I began to ask myself questions and truly think of answers. The first thing that came to my mind was of course the infamous “why” followed by “how”. I couldn’t understand why or how we allowed our relationship and our love to be sacrificed by petty things so quickly and how we let things get so bad they were irreversible. Why did the small things seem so big even though we both knew they weren’t, how did those things affect us more than all the good we had, all the love and happiness we once shared? How did we let the stress of life pull us apart and not grow us closer together? Why did we fight against each other instead of empowering our better half to be even better? Reflecting now, it all seems so simply, silly, and sad; leading to my next thought “what if.” What if I wasn’t so insecure? What if I didn’t let my past or your past affect our future? What if we were more mature, older, and wiser? What if I was the ‘me’ I am today? What if everything failed because of me? What if I am the sole reason we didn’t work out in the end? What if I could have fixed us before we were broken?
Once we allowed one petty thing to interfere with our happiness and not let the issue die after having it confronted, letting it drag out for hours or days, that’s when we lost control over stupid things. I remember the moment, I remember it was me, I let the one petty thing in and I let it get the best of us. I'm sorry. I always reverted back to this issue I always used it against you, even when I knew it didn’t matter, even though I knew you never meant anything by it, even though I knew it was no longer an issue, even though I knew I was being an idiot. Looking back I cannot believe how childish I was and continued to be over and over. The small things that bothered me then started to grow and once you saw my reaction to them, you started reacting the same way too… it became a terrible cycle, I'm sorry. Once we started arguing over little things the simplethings and great things we shared started to seem less frequent, even though they weren’t. I just expected you to “make up” for whatever it was I was mad about, and I never should have expected anything other than the apology I always got. I'm sorry I never just accepted the apologies and made extra problems where there didn’t need to be any. Maybe if I wasn’t so insecure. Insecure of Her, (there’s always that one girl). Insecure you’d “get sick of me” like you told me always happened to you. Insecure I wouldn’t be enough. It seems as my insecurities got the best of me, and only I am to blame for that. It’s not to say I didn’t try to not let them bother me, trust me I did, but once the damage was done, there was no fixing some of it. Looking back now, I honestly don’t recognize myself as I have grown so much because of all my mistakes and horrible behavior. At least I know I won’t make the same mistakes in my next, and hopefully last, relationship. I wish I could apologize to Her too, it wasn’t Her actions towards me, or Her existence (entirely—I still don’t like Her as a person) I just needed someone to cling my insecurities to (I didn’t realize this until a few months ago), and I put them on Her, because in my head I had a reason to. So to Her, I’m sorry. Your's and Her past together bothered me, and it seemed to always be thrown into my present, but that’s only because I let it be that way. I could have and should have realized this sooner and I wish I had, everything would have been so much easier and so much healthier. I couldn’t help but fixate on the one thing I believed to be “our only problem. I'm sorry I let our pasts affect us, I'm sorry I couldn’t take a step back 99% of the time and think before reacting, genuinely think, not be so stubborn, and try to understand—no one is fucking perfect. I sure knew you weren’t perfect, no way in hell were you perfect, but your imperfections were the reasons I fell in love with you, I'm sorry I used them against you, that wasn’t fair.
Reflecting, I know I am a big reason we failed and I wish I didn’t think I was so great at the time. Do I think I was a good girlfriend most of the time, yes, I would have (and probably still would do) done anything and everything for you. I definitely tried to be the best girlfriend I could be for you and friend to your friends. I think I did a decent job at making you happy, at least for a while, and I know I kept you satisfied. Yes, you definitely fucked up—often, but you told me you would—to expect it, but for some reason I didn’t think you would and I didn't it was okay to ever mess up. I tried to correct your flaws, your imperfections, and change who you were—regardless if I thought it were for the better. I never should have cared so much about who you were not or what you may have lacked, because I already loved you so much for who you were—that wasn’t fair. Neither of us were fair to one another; we both expected more than we could ever receive or give, we both blamed each other for our own personal issues and for some reason we were never able to truly rely on each other as we both weren’t used to having someone to rely on. Instead of relying on each other, we ended up pushing each other away—for you, you pushed me so far away at the end, I couldn’t find my way back to you. I tried so hard to make it work to the point where I became a completely different person; ruining us.
I wish I could go back and redo a lot, not because I still want to be in the relationship or because I still want You, but because I wish I could’ve known what it was like to love and be loved as the best version of myself rather than my worst. I wish instead of all these embarrassing, yet, reflective moments, (ones I am not proud of) I only had the good moments, the ones full of laugher, friends, doing things with You no one else understood, goofy moments that made us… us. I don’t wish for it to be my present or my future, but rather it to be a better version of my past. So for You, I'm sorry, I’m sorry for all the wrong I did for all the things I could have let go, learned from earlier, laughed instead of yelled about. I'm sorry for letting the emotions take over my actions and letting my actions affect our love. I would do it all again differently if I could have those ten months back, they’d be the perfect ten months possible, when the simplethings were enough (damn it, they were always enough) and prove to you they’d always be enough. I wish we ended on different terms, not because I want to be back in your life or wish we were still together—I don’t, but because there were so many things left unsaid, so many negative feelings being felt, so much resentment, anger and angst. I wish you still thought of me as the girl you fell in love with, your best friend, and the bubbly person your friends got to know, not the person I ended up becoming. I don’t want that person to remembered more than the real me; I don’t want the bad memories to be remembered more than the countless incredible ones. I don’t want to be regretted or resented. I wish most of all; I could’ve been the one to make you eternally happy because you deserve nothing more than to be loved, appreciated, and genuinely happy.
I’m no longer in love with you; at least I don’t think I am, but rather the memory of you—of us. A part of me will always love you as a person, as a friend, as some of the best (and worst) times of my life, but most importantly as my biggest life lesson. There’s a saying “we met for a reason, you're either a blessing or a lesson,” but I like to think of you as both, both as positives. Who I was back then, towards the end, is not someone I am proud of and not someone I will ever be again. I was unhappy with a lot of things at the time I didn’t realize and I became so engrossed in our relationship to mute out everything else. I spent all my time on us, and none on me or my friends, something I now know is just as, if not more, important. I can finally say for the first time in probably my entire adult life, I am happy and enamored with living life—I do sometimes wish you were apart of it, though.
I want you to know I still think about you often, maybe not as much as I used to but you're always there, in my head and my heart. I will forever want the best for you and be looking to see you succeed. I hope one day we are able to be friends again, have a drink with our friends, catch up and have a nice time, like old times. I am not trying to get back into your life, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it if the opportunity did present itself. I definitely miss You, and I think I always will and that’s okay. I hope one day you're able to reflect on us as a positive thing and learn from it as I did. I hope your perception of me is a positive one. I hope you understand you’ll always be, to me, “ the one who got away.”
- C
