To My Most Darling Ex-Beloved,

Let me just start by saying I thought you were everything I had ever hoped for, but you were everything I never wanted. You will always be a part of me, a part of my past, but as something I wish I could forget. Unfortunately, I doubt I will ever forget you.

Four years ago, I met you.

Four years ago, was the beginning of an emotionally traumatic, physically altering, mentally disturbing journey in search for love. It set sail so beautifully and swiftly with a kiss or two, and quick “I love you.” That was all I needed to fall head over heels for you. Deeply lost in an ocean of our creation formed from that desperate want of connection, a need to be desired by another person. Love and lust became our sustenance and we were happily drowning in this sea of Us-ness.

Then you lied.

You lied and fibbed. You swore to God, and up and down. Crying over and over that you would never do it again, that you didn’t want to lose me because I more important than anything else.

The funny thing is that I wanted to believe you. I wanted so badly to believe that you loved me and needed me as much as I loved and needed you.

I accepted you and your lies, saying that it was just a fault to overcome. That we could work through it together because that’s what people do when they are in love.

Then we fought.

We fought about going to church. We fought about being late. We fought about family commitments. We fought about expectations.

Then we broke up.

God, why did I come back to you? You broke up with me more than a dozen times, and every time I came back to you so easily when I heard, “I’m sorry, I love you.”

Maybe I came back each time because I thought I could save you. Maybe I thought I could prove everyone wrong and then one day be able to say, “Look, he’s changed, and he is a better man now.”

Maybe I came back because I loved you.

I was young and foolish thinking that love could fix us, that it could fix you. I thought that if I loved you hard enough, you would mend a little day by day.

I was oblivious to the signs of poison.

I became color blind to the red flags as my world became a gray area of “settling.”

The love became lust and the words became hands.

No longer were we together simply because we were in love. Rather, this invisible thread if physical need and guilty-commitment kept us intertwined.

No longer were our disputes simply a spattering of hate filled words. Rather, a terrifying shift to physical actions that tore shreds into my very being.

I remember the first night you put your hands on me.

They say alcohol brings out the most hidden parts of one’s true self.

I remember your glazed over eyes filling over with rage.

I remember the moment when your once warm and loving touch became a red-hot anger pouring from your fingertips, searing my wrist, coursing through my shoulders as my body became well acquainted with the rough carpeted floor.

All I could think was how did we get to this point?

Yet, I was still willing to stay, blinded by the idea of saving you when really I couldn't even find the inner strength to save myself.
Then you ended it with a simple text.
Thank the Lord you did because I doubt I would have ever found the strength to leave you. I was weak, and I thought I needed you.

It took me too long to realize that I never needed someone like you in my life.
I will never get back the all the wasted time spent on someone so undeserving as yourself.
All those nights you ruined with the shedding of my tears. The pieces of my heart that were shattered by fear and feeling trapped. The walls I've built to protect the holes you've punctured through my soul.
You broke me.

I was lucky enough to have friends and family around me to remind me that true love is effortless. It comes without expectations, and it is unconditional.

Something I hope you are lucky enough to find and are able to really comprehend one day.
I will always look to you as a constant reminder of what I never want to let back into my life.

Four years ago, you changed my life, but somehow you changed it for the better.
Such an odd thing to say after all those negative things, but it’s true.
You have dissipated from my life, and I am an entirely better person because of it.

So my most darling, dearly Ex-Beloved, I hope life treats you well.

I have forgiven, but I cannot forget.
To forget would be to ignore all the lessons you oh so kindly bestowed upon me.
So thank you for teaching me what love is not. Thank you for ending it when I could not.
Sincerely, thank you because I am now stronger, happier and wiser because of the things I endured by being with someone like you.

I hope we NEVER have the pleasure of meeting again.